Just How Life Is

Allowing myself time to be still and reflect on how much has changed, in the not-quite half a year that we've been in our new home. Just looking back at some of our photos from winter, it feels so real and so close, and yet everything has changed so much. As it does, I suppose. Slowly reflecting back on the past year, and my head still can't quite come to terms with all that has been and gone.

We had a new mama at our playgroup. She was pregnant. And so lovely, too. I am loving our little connections in this group so much, it's like a fresh start, a new place - a warm and gentle and kind and welcoming new start. I have come to value connections and community so much, and I come away from our group each week with so much love in my heart. It's the highlight of my week these days.

We played at a playground for a while after the playgroup, and as I pushed my little one on the swing, I prayed silently to Jesus for help in healing myself, so that I may help others heal too. I pray to and talk to Jesus a lot these days. I am not religious at all, but in the early days after my awakening, I felt the presence of Jesus so strongly, channeling his energy, connecting with him in my meditation. Being so new to it all back then (gosh I still am), I thought this couldn't possibly be real. It is real. He is real.

So I prayed, and moments later the tears started to gently fall from my eyes, my thoughts pondering back on the pregnant mama. Feeling again the sadness and loss that lingers like a fog in me. I have many wounds to heal, but this one, I'm not sure I can ever truly heal from. So we stayed at the playground a while, my little one swinging, my tears just flowing, allowing it all to just be. Grateful to be there with my little one, grateful for pregnant mama helping me on my journey, grateful to Jesus for his immediate help when I asked.

It's so easy to be conditioned to not cry, to not express emotion, to 'hold it all together', to be strong. Yet there is so much strength in feeling your emotions and letting them go, letting the tears fall and the pain rise up, to really feel it and release it. Knowing that every time I do, a little more of the pain is released, and there is a little more space for love and joy in my heart. It's not linear; there is no end date. It is just how life is.