Idle Chat

I thought yet again that I was going to let go of this space, finish up writing here, but apparently not so. In my meditation, this blog kept coming to me, and in my dreams I was shown again that this blog is to stay. Far be it from me to question guidance like that, and I suppose I better show up and write something again too.

We let go of our little chickens. That was the hardest I've ever had to deal with in terms of chickens. We've lost chickens to cold, dogs and illness; we've re-homed chickens, and I left our last lot behind when I couldn't bring them to town with us, and it has always been, not necessarily easy, but just necessary. When we moved into our little house in this little city I suppose I/we were feeling disconnected from the country, and we missed our chookies so much. So in the little space we had, we got two beautiful Rhode Island Reds, Beryl and Beatrice, and had a little house for them in the garden. I got so attached to those two, probably because they were the most cuddly chickens we've ever had, and the cheekiest, and the friendliest. But as life would have it, the benefits of our feathered friends were outweighed by the extra burden on me to keep them and eventually I had to accept that, as long as we're in this house, we won't keep chickens. We found a lovely new home for them, but gosh, the sadness when they left. I cried a lot that afternoon. I wanted to show my boy that it's ok to cry when we're sad. He cried too, not so much over the chickens, but for the box they left in - from our new vacuum cleaner (months ago) that he's been using as his dryer ever since. So we both did some crying. It's life hey. Better processed and dealt with than not.

I'm missing having more space and being in the country like mad, but I'm working hard on focusing on the positive aspects of where we are. I've been experiencing so much resistance to being here, and I know it stems from the circumstances surrounding why we are here. As a friend pointed out to me, "you didn't choose to come here; you chose to leave where you were". And she was spot on. It was a rushed, spur of the moment decision and where we ended up was dependent on what was available quickly and easily. And not to take away anything from where we live, we have a beautiful, happy home. But whatever the circumstances I've been feeling stuck. That desire to move on, find something more suitable, has been burning strongly, and I've been countering it with focusing my thoughts on stability. Letting myself feel whatever there is to be felt, doing yoga to move through it, finding postures that require stability. It all helps. Giving myself space to really, deeply reflect on what I do want, when we do move on from here. And goodness knows when that will be, I wonder if after all my resistance we might even end up staying here for a good time. Who knows. Moving house often is definitely a strength of mine, be that good or bad (but hey let's leave polarities behind, shall we?), it is what it is, and my only real concern is providing a the best possible home for my boy, and me too.

And it's nearly Christmas again, and I think back to what I wrote heading into Christmas last year (here) and not much has changed. I'm really not comfortable with the idea of Christmas, and my internal discomfort is growing. Funnily enough, I'm more willing than ever to celebrate Jesus in any way, shape or form, but not in the commercial, thoughtless, plastic way that Christmas is rammed down our throats by corporate giants. So I don't know what we will do on Christmas Day in this house yet. Or what to tell my toddler about Christmas. The whole thing is so pervasive in society. At the library, a kind lady gives him a stamp on his hand - and it's a Christmas tree. The marketing in shops, tinsel everywhere (for months now), people very kind-heartedly asking 'what's Santa going to bring you' without a thought that perhaps, for us, there is no Santa. And wondering how the heck to handle this with a 2 year old. Lots of conversations to be had, for many years to come, and lots of expectations to be managed. Wanting to give him the joy of childhood 'Christmas' without the burden of expectation placed squarely by society. The tricky moments of parenting. I will need to do more inner work on this one, I suppose, and see what I know, deep down. For me, I have always loved having a tree in the house and decorating it with beautiful, meaningful decorations. No flashing lights or plastics. Perhaps we can make lots of little clay angels and paint them, and adorn a tree with them to honour and give thanks for their guidance and support. And of course Jesus, we will celebrate Jesus. Perhaps I do know the inner answers after all.

Enough idle chat from me, it's been good to check in here again. I'll be back soon, I promise! (ps I'm having a little giveaway from my shop, details are over on my Instagram account if you'd like the chance to win a handful of beautiful natural crystals!).