I think the whole experience for me has been a major turning point in my life, somehow. It made me wake up, and make changes in my life that I have been needing to make for a long time, but had been putting off. And it made me face my fears, inadvertently all of my fears. And I found I was harbouring a lot of fears.
It started with the fear of dying that seemed lodged within me, after my experience with a miscarriage at home. And I guess with that one being the first cab off the rank, the rest just followed on through.
Goodness knows I probably wasn't in any danger of dying, but I could have been, and it certainly felt to me like it could have been. I breathed deeply into my soul that night. As I lay on the floor waiting for the ambulance, I consciously slowed everything down - breath, heartbeat, body - and breathed deep into my energy centre. And somehow fear of dying lodged itself in my body.
And it came up in funny ways, like panic attacks that I was dying. And worrying about everything. And by everything I mean everything, for any situation I would imagine the worst possible scenario. Or had this screenplay in my head of how my family would cope if I did die. I was stuck in a loop of worrying that I was going to die,.
And so I had to look at death, actually face it, and acknowledge that the thing we all share in common, that every single person on the planet will experience in one way or another, is death.
And little by little, the fears subsided. The panic attacks stopped, and my thoughts turned to more grounded things, like wondering at what our garden might look like in 75 years time with the trees we've planted.
And the worry, that has mostly gone. And many old worries, that I was holding onto from earlier things in life, well they seem to be gone too.
And life is much, much lighter now.
It started with the fear of dying that seemed lodged within me, after my experience with a miscarriage at home. And I guess with that one being the first cab off the rank, the rest just followed on through.
Goodness knows I probably wasn't in any danger of dying, but I could have been, and it certainly felt to me like it could have been. I breathed deeply into my soul that night. As I lay on the floor waiting for the ambulance, I consciously slowed everything down - breath, heartbeat, body - and breathed deep into my energy centre. And somehow fear of dying lodged itself in my body.
And it came up in funny ways, like panic attacks that I was dying. And worrying about everything. And by everything I mean everything, for any situation I would imagine the worst possible scenario. Or had this screenplay in my head of how my family would cope if I did die. I was stuck in a loop of worrying that I was going to die,.
And so I had to look at death, actually face it, and acknowledge that the thing we all share in common, that every single person on the planet will experience in one way or another, is death.
And little by little, the fears subsided. The panic attacks stopped, and my thoughts turned to more grounded things, like wondering at what our garden might look like in 75 years time with the trees we've planted.
And the worry, that has mostly gone. And many old worries, that I was holding onto from earlier things in life, well they seem to be gone too.
And life is much, much lighter now.
I am so glad to read that you have used your horrible experience in such a positive way. The fear of death is something we all share, and deal with in various ways. I believe it is really a fear of the unknown; we don't really know what comes after. Once we can come to terms with the fact that we can't know everything, and that's OK then we begin to heal.
ReplyDeleteI have missed reading your posts, welcome back.
Fear can become so incredibly persistent. In part I blame my own fears for the traumatic birth of my little one (though the rest of the blame lies clearly with a deeply flawed medical system). I'm glad that you have started to let go of some of your fears and can be lighter and happier in life. Sometimes the truly awful can lead to some good things.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to read of your loss Jacqui. You are very brave to share it here and I think it is definitely something that is too often unspoken amongst women and our communities. I wish you and your family all the best in recovering from losing your baby, and I hope that eventually you are able to resolve some of the questionable care you received along the way. Many thoughts and lots of love to you. Lucy x
ReplyDeleteLovely to see you back and feeling positive again. I've been thinking about you and hoping you were ok. I have a friend who has struggled with the fear of dying and leaving her kids without a mother and have seen what it did to her, so I am pleased to read that you are dealing with that well.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes xx