In my last post, a dear long time reader left a comment that, well, cracked the shell I've managed to construct around myself right open. A comment about grief, and it hit me that yes, I am actually grieving. I have been so busy with the day to day tasks of life, I've not had much time to contemplate how things really are. Things are not as I thought they would be.
The past six months have seen upheaval in my life. In October, I found out I was pregnant with my second child. In December, I had a traumatic miscarriage at home and lost the baby. In Feburary, my husband and I separated. And now it's March, late March even.
My husband and I separated. I've not talked about it on the blog because it's still so new, and raw. And it feels completely surreal, to be honest.
The thing I never ever wanted in life was to be a single parent. I have nothing against single parents - I was raised by a single parent and I think single parents do an amazing job. I just wanted to give my child a family, a whole, loving, caring nurturing family. Not a split and splintered version where Mum lives here and Dad lives there. And now, that is exactly what I have given him. We have given him. And that is breaking my heart.
I am still grieving the loss of my baby. I am grieving the loss of my husband, the loss of our family unit. I am grieving the loss of the family I wanted to have. At a time when I wanted to be trying again for another baby, I find myself picking up the shattered pieces of my marriage, and trying to manage three acres, six chickens, two cats, a welcomed-home dog, two wild equines, a household and a toddler, on a significantly reduced budget, on my own.
There hasn't been enough time or space for me to grieve, every day has been a marathon to get everything done, and attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour. But slowly, bit by bit, it is happening. And slowly, bit by bit, I am healing.
It's not all bad news. In the past six months, I have also got a new mountain bike (ridden twice), experienced much spiritual growth and change and healing, and have transformed our garden into something that I love. The gardening has been my saviour. The physical activity, the exertion. The creative problem solving. The fitting things into place, just right. The Getting It Done that I've been doing. And I've started a shop, and that is helping me too. And reiki, that has helped me too.
I have learned to take each day at a time, each hour at a time, each minute at a time. I have developed a closer bond with my little boy than what I had before. I am getting so much help and support from my mother. And we are getting through this.
I have no idea where this life path is taking me now. I thought I was in control, but right now, I'm just having faith that this is what I need, that this is for my highest good and that these changes are positive, in the long run. I do know that I have my spiritual path, and I have faith in that. And I will ride that damn mountain bike, too. That part of me has been sorely missed. And I am just so grateful to have my little boy by my side.
Wow, big and difficult life changes. You haven't given your son a broken family; you have given him an expanded family. It may seem broken right now, but the way is open for more family to appear and new ways of interacting within that family will happen too.
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing an awesome job at making your life work, in control or not.
Oh dear, I am so sorry you have to go through this awful time, when I separated, a friend (who had been through it too and was also recovering cancer) said " just hang in there, sometimes bad things happen for you, not to you" you have to wait a while and figure it out. It doesn't make it any easier, but it helps to keep focussed on the light at the end of the tunnel.
ReplyDeleteI know it is not easy to face the future as a single parent, but unfortunately the highest separation and divorce figures are when couples have a toddler from 18months to 3 years, it just seems to be a really bad patch for a lot of people.
Of course you are still grieving, how could you not, it takes time to come to terms with such upheaval on so many levels.... we understand.
So good that your Mum is right behind you, I hope she lives fairly close by, you will need each other, as she will need to know she is helping all she can and see for herself how you are coping, it doesn't matter how grown up you get, you will allways be her child, to care about 24/7, that's just how it is.
Sending big, comforting hugs to you both, you need all you can get right now.
So sorry to hear your difficult news Jacqui, that's lots of stuff to deal with emotionally and physically. Take strength in the fact that you're not alone and are providing a wonderful nurturing lifestyle for your beautiful son. Time really does help to heal all wounds. Hopefully each day gets that little bit easier...and as always the sun will still come up tomorrow....each day offers a fresh start.
ReplyDeleteI'm awfully sorry for all you're going through right now. You've certainly received your share of blows over the past 6 months, but the feelings you're experiencing don't last forever (thank heavens for that!) My first husband passed away when my daughter was just 4 years old so I, too, was a single parent. Thank God for family and friends and the passage of time. Whatever you're feeling right now is all part of the healing process. I promise you, it does get better.
ReplyDeleteJacqui - such a heart felt post, but so empowering too for you to express. I'm so sad that this has all happened to you and in such a short time. Not that it matters in terms of time frame, but it is a lot to deal with all at once. You are so strong and you will pull through this all and come out stronger. Easy for me to say I know, but find some comfort in knowing that friends (and family) are out there who care and will support you. It is obvious that you are a great mother and your son will be a great comfort to you too. Things don't always go to plan, but often still work out well. cheers Wendy
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this difficult time in your life. What a traumatic time you had with your miscarriage, I didn't comment at the time but now reading about your separation as well I couldn't,t not express my sadness about what you are experiencing. Thank heavens for the support of your mother. Keep faith with the world as things will get better and in the meantime treasure your little boy and the emotional happiness your garden brings. Yes you do have lots to manage, and sailing through unchartered territory. May you find happiness again and treasure the little daily joys in your life now. My middle daughter had a very difficult year last year but things are improving this year. We were thousands of miles apart but could share in the little blessings in her day and your mother is there for you now. May you enjoy endless hugs with your little boy and may your life become less complicated
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear of your loss...for all of your losses in such a short space of time. I know that in the whirlwind afterwards there is little time for grief as it's all about the doing and just getting through really. And there is absolutely healing in the doing. You are a strong, talented and creative woman. I have no doubt that you will not only survive this but be that much stronger for it. But please, please be sure that somewhere down the track you allow yourself the space and time to grieve. So many of us turn our backs on grief and it can come back to disrupt our lives later on. Glad your mum is there to support you and if you need anything at all please contact me. Sending many, many blessings, Bron
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story Jacqui. I think it is so important to understand that grief is not linear, it ebbs and flows like the tide, it is cyclical and certain moments – even years from now – can bring it all flooding back. It has been almost 3 years since my son was stillborn and some moments it still smacks me in the face like it was yesterday. In time it does get easier to live with but you never forget. I think the loss of a baby is the absolute hardest thing for a relationship to survive. I’m sorry you are going through this additional upheaval on top of the trauma of losing your baby. Be gentle on yourself, be kind to yourself. Don’t feel like you have to be positive or put on a brave face, the best thing you can do is to allow yourself to truly feel what you feel. Sending you healing vibes.
ReplyDeleteJacqui you are doing amazingly well and it sounds like you are finding some positives out of the depths of the despair I'm sure you have felt over the past months. We all go through struggles and have hurdles but one thing I know for sure is that, like you say, there is a higher spiritual and personal path we all have - and you will get through this dark time. And my darling, you will ride that damn bike!! :D Seriously though, heres some hugs ((())) Jan x
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