I knew parenthood would change me, in ways that I could't possibly begin to imagine. And it is happening, and I'm changing and growing and evolving all the time. I think for me one of the hardest things has been to let go of any expectations from my days, and be completely present to the now. It's not easy living in the now! It is so much easier to occupy my thoughts with plans for the future, plans for the week, plans for lunch and a cup of tea. And I need to plan ahead at some point anyway, I don't mean just drifting along in life with no direction. I just mean being present in every moment.
There are of course about a million things I want to do, all at once, as always. Like re-designing my vegie garden layout. And making a new sleeping bag for William. And planting new pittosporums to replace the ones that didn't survive last summer. And making a silverbeet and lentil soup for lunch. And sitting down to watch Play School with William if we get the timing right. And taking us all for a walk to stretch our legs and get some fresh air. And pulling some weeds from the pebbled area out the front. Not to mention hanging the washing to dry, and folding the washing that's already dry, and putting on another load of washing.
And if I'm lucky, I might make some progress on any of those things. It all depends. It depends if William is happy to have a little snooze in the pram while I dig or pull weeds; it depends if William is ok to play on the floor or in his play gym for a few minutes while I fold the washing; it depends if he will be happy to hang out in the carrier while I potter carefully in the kitchen. And it depends if I have the energy to do anything beyond the bare essentials with my day. I guess that's where the letting go lies. If it happens, it happens, and that's great. But I'm learning that I can't do everything, and my priority is always this little baby, and that's ok.
I appreciate every little thing that I do get to do so much more than I used to. I no longer faff, or waste time, or procrastinate. Because if I get that spare 15 minutes, I'll use it wisely. And I let go of my expectations for my days, and allow them to unfold as they need to. As William needs them to. And cherish these moments because I know they won't last. Even the very draining ones, and the ones where I'm too tired, and the ones where I feel defeated. And sometimes, I still get to make a cake, and eat it too. If I'm lucky.
I always have waaay too many things on my self-imposed to-do list. :P You're an amazing momma.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to let go of expectations and not think about all the things you aren't getting done. It's hard for me even without a babe, and you have him to worry about. But you're so right. Spending time with him is the most important thing.
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