Motherhood and The Spiritual Path

I saw a beautiful Tarot card image recently, an interesting, and beautiful, depiction of The Lovers that showed a woman clearly facing a decision between two paths - one being the spiritual path and the other being the mothering, family path. The card really stuck a cord with me, and it brought up for me something I have often pondered.

For me, the spiritual path has become the driving force in my life. Since that kundalini thing happened; I know this as I felt the shift. But that's what happens, it changes you from the inside out and I feel completely blessed that that has been my experience. I find myself now utterly devoted to resolving all issues of separation and becoming all that I AM in unity, in alignment with the highest aspects of my divine soul self. It sounds complicated but really, what it means in more everyday terms is that I intend to deal with all the the emotional baggage I am carrying, or have ever carried - be that in this lifetime or previous lifetimes, be that on this planet or in other forms of existence. It's a big job, because there's always something else to deal with, to resolve. This karmic connection or that. And then there is the aspect of moving through everyday life, without developing further emotional issues to be resolved. Of moving through everyday life being in the flow, being in the moment and finding acceptance. Of watching myself, to see where the sore spots are, what gets me annoyed and irritable, what sparks my temper, and encouraging and allowing myself to release control and let things just be (ahh, control issues!). To let life wash over me and not have to 'do' anything; to just 'be'.

I have often caught myself thinking how wonderful it would be to just focus entirely on my spiritual practice - the aspects of meditation, prayer, healing, channeling. Of being guided and in close contact with higher dimensions. All of these things I do, but I can only give it my full attention in my evenings, a few hours a day at most. So I wonder, what would it be like to devote my entire days to this practice? Imagine how quickly I would evolve! Imagine how much 'stuff' I could deal with! Imaging the blissfully deep meditations I could stay in, and stay in, and stay in, and stay in... And then at some point my imaginings are broken by a toddler needing a mama to kiss it better, or read a book, or the mountain of washing that seems to never diminish (seriously, there's only two of us, why so much washing?), or the dishes in the kitchen that need attention, or wondering what are we going to eat this week, or remembering to feed the cats, and the dog, and the neighbourhood rabbit. And take the bins out. You know, the simple, routine tasks of everyday life, and particularly the life of being a mother (or father, for that matter) at home with a young child, where so much of the focus, of necessity and given graciously, is on another.

But every time I find myself wondering about the devoted spiritual path, I look at my own life, and I realise I wouldn't change it. Because to me, the challenge is in bringing the spiritual aspects to my everyday life, to make it the deeply spiritual existence I crave. At the moments when I'm tired and grumpy, when my toddler is tired and grumpy, and worst - when we're both tired and grumpy. When I feel the pull of all the things I'd love to be doing - going for a run, or a ride, or to that yoga class - all the things I would love to do for me, but which are just not an option most of the time.Those times are a minefield of opportunity for spiritual practice. Truly, it is so easy to connect to the higher aspects of myself in meditation. It's there, it's me, it is who I AM. It is in finding, in feeling, that connection when my life shows me all my points of disconnect that I truly make the greatest spiritual progress. When the dinner hour is falling to pieces and I ask 'how can I bring more love to this situation?'. When I look around my home and feel weighed down by seemingly endless jobs to be done. When my child is wide awake at a time when I desperately want him to be asleep, and my own inner child fixates on the unfairness of it all. And I choose to accept it, to open up to it and to offer no resistance to it, and do it all with gratitude and kindness. At least, I try to...

And it's all a work in progress, this life, as I am presented with opportunity after opportunity to bring about a merging of my spiritual path and my everyday life of raising a small child. Motherhood is the most demanding role I have ever had, and it shows me day in and day out where my spiritual work is at.

So perhaps it is time to move away from polarity, from the either/or choices of spiritual devotion or motherhood, and allow for the possibility that a truly, deeply spiritual life can be lived in the everyday; in the messy, beautiful, demanding and ultimately amazing and rewarding experience that is motherhood. That is my path.

And besides, you can't send them back, can you. Kidding...

*******

It's been a while since I posted on the blog. I have really considered the future of this blog many times, and during my time away decided that I absolutely, positively would not write here any more. And then I was very strongly guided that I would indeed write here again. And it has taken a good while to figure out just what this blog will be about now. Well, that's not entirely true. I know that in essence, this blog is about my spiritual path. I just have no idea how that will be expressed. I simply do not know. So if you're interested on joining me for this journey, I would love to have you stay. I am completely aware that the changes in my writing, in what I write about, in how I write, will not resonate with some, and will resonate more strongly with others. So it goes, right? It's good to be back.

Planning Slow and Simple Days

I don't know about you, but for me, slow and simple doesn't seem to come naturally as much as I'd like it to. At least, not when I feel like there's a million things to do and I just want to get in and do them. Slow and simple can wait until everything is done, and then I can stop and slow down. Right?

After being in our new home for a few weeks, we're starting to feel a bit more settled. But there is still so much sorting and unpacking and washing and cleaning to be done, on top of the usual washing and cooking and eating and playing and snuggling and general stuff that makes up life at home with a toddler. And my little toddler is going through a bit of a clingy phase, no doubt due to a few factors - some serious teething being one of them - and coming to terms with being in a new house. New places and spaces, new routines, and perhaps mourning the loss of old, well known places and routines. The initial excitement has worn off and as nice as the new reality is, there is an element of missing the old and the familiar.

I can tell you it is a bit draining on the mama. Being home all day, looking at all the things needing to be done, making meals in a half-unpacked kitchen, seeing the dishes pile up and not being able to get in to clean up (one of my most hated things - dishes piling up in the kitchen). And knowing that I need to just leave it all and sit with my little one, cuddle, nurse, read books, whatever it is, just being there with him. So for this week I have consciously planned to be able to do just that. I have made sure that the priority for each day is very simple - apart from eating and sleeping, the activities are mostly cuddles and chooks (taking care of the chooks is William's job, he has taken the task on of his own accord). And if anything else actually gets done, all the better. But I'm not planning for it.

It helps. It is making all the difference in the world. And the main difference is in my head, apparently. Nothing much outwardly has changed, but the inner landscape for me has changed. Instead of finishing breakfast and feeling like 'right, lets get on with it', it has become something more like 'ok, lets go read a book on the couch'. A little shift in priority; rather than the cleaning and sorting being the priority, spending time with my little one is the priority. And in doing this, I have noticed that after a while, the clingy eases, he settles into his own play a little more, and I'm left with some more space to actually do this little job or that. With so much more ease and grace than if I try to push forward to just do.

It has only happened this way because I planned for it to be so. I wrote it down, in my brand new pretty paper notebook. I look at it every day. I know what we're eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know what foods we will be snacking on. I know that there is more than enough time in the days for the things that absolutely must happen. And I'm slowly learning that less really, truly is more, in all ways. And I'm so glad for making this choice, because for a little while there, I was really struggling with this whole thing. A struggling mama is not nice for anyone. A little planning, to do less rather than more, has made all the difference in the world in our little home.

Perfectly Imperfect

I was talking in my last post about our simple days at home; about how we have anchors in the way of meals and sleep times, and everything else flows around that. On thinking about that post, I wonder if it comes across that we have somewhat of a 'perfect' daily routine. Because we don't. To be honest, our days before we discovered the rhythm and repetition that forms our structure, were much more haphazard and tended to drift more. Through a Waldorf approach, and I am still very much a learner in this area, we have brought this simple and beautiful structure to our days. But they are far, far from perfect.

There are still the times when I am tired, and the little things start to get to me. When I think I'm being patient but the limit of my patience is reached [clearly not that patient then..]. When I get frustrated at having not only a small child to tend to and the multitude of play things [who needs toys when kitchen items will suffice?] but also two little dogs under my feet, literally tripping me over. The days when the dogs are removed to the outside and the doggy door is closed. The days when I'm eating chocolate by 11am as a coping mechanism. The occasional [thankfully] day when I call my husband at work, nearly in tears and struggling to hold it together. Like when my little one got powder of washing soda in his eye. Yeah, those days.

Or the days when, for whatever reason, I just don't feel like cleaning up the mess after a meal, again. When it's beautiful outside and I want to go play in the garden, or when I'm itching to write but instead of sitting with macbook I'm scrubbing the walls and floor after lunch. Baby-led weaning is a messy business [but so very worthwhile, our 12 month old feeds himself with cutlery!], even before little one decides to turn the half-eaten bowl of food upside down, or throw the food he doesn't want overboard, or run his soup-covered hands all over his head. Sometimes I just don't feel like cleaning up, again. But the bigger picture keeps me going, the love I have for this little person, for watching him learn and grow and play, makes it all so worthwhile.

I know this is every mother's story. This is what it is to raise a child. Our days are not perfect, but they flow much better than they used to, and I've learned to slow down and focus my time and attention on the things that are most important. It means that some things do need to wait. Not everything I want to get done, gets done. But somehow we still get there. And I call this perfect, because my definition of perfect means perfect now, as is, perfectly imperfect. Not some flashy magazine image of perfect, or whatever else we are told that perfection is. Perfect is our real, messy life. Where soup is flung onto walls and cups of tea are spilled and rouge chickens scratch in my vegie garden. This is my life, and to me it is perfect, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you find happiness in the messy side of life?

Decluttering: My Mind and His Toys

Before William was born, we were absolutely adamant about a few things, one of them being toys. We wanted quality, wooden toys, not plastic, and handmade if possible. And not too many of them. Charles was good at telling people fairly bluntly about our desires. And grandparents have been very good at taking it on board, I have to say.

But somehow, when we looked around our house, our standards had slipped. There were plastic toys given as gifts from workplaces and relatives, and even one or two that I had picked up myself. And so many toys. Probably not that many by today's standards really, but more than a little baby needs. And we noticed a behaviour in our son - pull out a toy, look at it for a minute or two, then discard it. Pull out another toy, look at it for a minute or two, and discard it. And so on. 

I guess the concerning thing for us out of this, apart from the plastic, is the effect of too many toys. Fostering a lack of focus on any one toy, always moving on to the next one. Getting bored with something very quickly, and looking for the next 'exciting thing' to entertain. When what we actually want to foster in our son, is the ability to play with his imagination. Anything can be a toy or a prop when you use imagination. That is what we want to encourage in him.

So we've been doing a big cull. Some of the toys have gone to the op shop bag, and some have been put away for use in a rotation system, of sorts. There are still what we think is too many toys around, so we'll have to do another round of decluttering. Already our home feels lighter. There is less choice for William, and he's been making better use of the fewer toys he has. And there is less clutter and less mess scattered around the house. I actually don't mind the mess he creates, as long as he's having fun. But I do mind if we're encouraging him to use and discard things very quickly. 

And then I turn my attention to myself. I find myself frustrated because I'm not 'getting anywhere' with all the things I want to do right now. Honestly, I have about 10 creative projects on the go or in my head. Crochet a new blanket. Do a blogging course. Update pretty much all of my blog. Write a book? Learn how to use photoshop. Taking more photos daily. Do a parenting course. Read a book. Document my recipes. Be creative in my cooking. Write blog posts. Edit photos. Take photos. After my priorities as a mother and a wife, and looking after the vegie garden and the cats and dogs and chooks and washing and feeding us and keeping the house in order. And I think, what am I modelling for my child? Too many activities on the go, no time to focus on any one, being scattered and 'not getting anywhere' on any of them. 

I think his toys are not the only thing that need to be decluttered. I need to remember that this is 'peak hour' in my life, and probably will be for a few more years. And some of the 'me' projects might just have to wait a while. The solution for now might just be to write them all in a big journal and get to them one day in the future, when I am less in demand. But oh, how to choose what to let go of. Such a tough decision!

I've read some interesting articles on children and toys lately, this one in particular provided some food for thought: Why I took my kids' toys away {& why they won't get them back}.

What do you think, do too many toys make for kids with a short attention span? Do you have any tips for how to focus on one creative outlet at a time, rather than ten?

Finding Our Rhythm

Something I have spent much time focusing on lately is rhythm. The rhythm of our days, of our home, of our seasons. Bringing rhythm into our days, rather than a haphazard collection of tasks and activities.  Ensuring our days flow, and that our needs for food and sleep and play and work are being met, evenly and timely. 

Late last year I saw an e-course pop up on my blog reader, 31 Days to Rhythm Bootcamp. So I signed up, and it was a good decision. Throughout this month I have been gently guided to look at my life, to examine our days, and my ways, and make the changes necessary to bring this rhythm about. The course is not yet finished, but already our days are so delightfully smooth and flowing. Which is not to say there aren't difficult moments, because of course there are, but I am in a much better position to face them.

The pile of washing that never seems to go away, appears to go away. Of course it comes back every day, but every day I am able to keep on top of it, without stress or hurry. We have a sit down 'tea time' in the afternoon, rather than me at some point remembering to offer my son a snack [plus I know when my next cup of tea is coming, this is rather important]. The chook bucket goes out at the same time each afternoon, so I know I can leave it put away until then. I used to leave it on the bench and look at it umpteen times a day thinking 'I must go take out the chook bucket'. 

My head is much clearer. One of the first things I came to realise was just how much I was holding my breath during the day. Obviously this is not a calm or relaxed way of being, tensed and with a knot of anxiety - 'what are we having for breakfast today?' or 'how will I get all that washing done' or any other potentially difficult question. Not difficult really, but interrupting the flow of the day all the same. There may still be some points in the day when I hold my breath, but not many, and I'm very mindful of it now. When I'm mindful of it, I can do something about it.

So yeah, rhythm. It provides a feeling of security, for my son and for me. I am pleasantly surprised by how strong the feeling of security is for me, it affords me so much calm during the day now. There is no need to rush, as I know the jobs will get done. I used to try to do all the jobs during baby nap time; now I prioritise the jobs that are more difficult with William around, and always make sure I get time to sit with a cup of tea and collect my thoughts. Other jobs can be done with him around, either helping me or playing nearby. 

This is just the start of our journey in bringing rhythm to our days. I can see this is a long term thing to work on. William is now 10 months old, and I'm contemplating homeschooling in the future. It's a few years off, but having a solid established rhythm would be a good start. And even if we don't go down that path, it's still such a beneficial practice for us. It's a lovely way to live, joyful, and with flow and rhythm to our days.

What do you do to bring rhythm to your days?

Baby-Led Weaning: Tips, Tricks and Ideas

I wrote in this post a little while ago about how we decided to use baby-led weaning to start out little one on solids. I am so happy with that decision. Our meal times are so much fun! Watching William carefully pick out foods to put in his mouth, skilfully spit out skins that he doesn't want and carelessly remove from his table [throw on the floor] any foods he doesn't want. We're watching his personality unfold at the kitchen table, that is for sure. Anyway, I have learned a thing or two along the way - little things that make my life easier, ensure more food ends up in his mouth instead of on the floor, and [possibly] reducing the mess to be cleaned up after each meal. It's definitely a messy business, no doubt about it. All worth it though. Here's a couple of things I've learned.

Sticky rice.

I cannot emphasise enough how good sticky rice is. Think risotto, think brown rice that is cooked much longer than usual with more liquid added, and rice porridge with milk for breakfast. Once the cooking is finished, you can add a little more liquid and let it stand for a few minutes, to thicken it up some more. Sticky rice sticks to a spoon! So baby can turn the spoon upside down, inside out, this way and that, and usually, still have rice stuck to the spoon by the time it makes it to their mouth. Rice that doesn't stick to the spoon is much messier to clean up. Which brings me to my next tip...

Use cutlery.

Our baby was using a spoon from the word go with solids. He knew enough from having watched us eat to know roughly what to do with it. The very first time he used a spoon, he poked it in his mouth a bit too far. That was the one and only time he's done that. Now he happily waves it around and will eat from it if he wants to, or throw it on the floor if that's what he feels like doing. After a couple of months I started letting him use a fork as well [the little baby spoons and forks only]. We watch him closely with it, and remove it from his hands if it doesn't have food on it, but he has learned how to eat food from a fork remarkably well. We just load up the spoon or fork and hand it to him, and he feeds himself.

Roast vegetables.

Roasting vegies has provided a very easy way for William to feed himself, particularly in the early days when his coordination was still developing. Roasting generally gives a tougher outside 'skin' and a soft cooked inside, great for baby eating. Think roast sweet potato fingers, oven cooked potato chips, roast pumpkin, roast fingers of zucchini. If the outside gets too tough from oven roasting, I just break it open a bit, and he will suck all the good bits out and discard the skins. The skin gives a nice solid base that baby can hang on to while sucking out the softer food inside.

Cooked apples.
Cooked apples are good for baby's digestion, particularly when solids are first introduced. Plus, they're easy for a baby to handle when cut into slices. In the early days, William used to suck on them and didn't actually eat much apple; now he happily eats plenty [if he wants to]. The skin again gives a good structure that is easy for baby to hold on to while the flesh is easily eaten. Simply slice up apple quarters and cook in water until soft, usually 5-10 minutes or so. Sometimes I add raisins or chopped up prunes to the cooking water, to soften them up and for something different; these are also excellent for helping digestion along.  

Make the clean-up easy.

I think one of the biggest reasons people sometimes avoid baby-led weaning is the mess and the necessary cleaning up. I won't lie, it is messy and the cleaning up gets pretty repetitive. So I make it as easy as I can. A wash of baby with a face washer, and a wipe of the high chair with the same washer. We have a plastic mat under the high chair where most of the food lands. I collect all pieces of food from the floor into the chook bucket [those girls do very well out of baby-led weaning] and give the floor a wipe. I have a stash of dedicated floor-cleaning rags for this job which I keep close at hand and which can be washed and re-used. I also use a citrus-infused vinegar cleaner in the clean up.

Relax.
Sometimes I catch myself during meal times and realise how tense I am through my entire body, waiting to catch a spoon that's been turfed or trying to prevent the spoon from being dropped or catch the last piece of broccoli before it hits the floor. Or make sure he's eaten enough, and not just playing and throwing food around. And then I have to remember to breathe. William is happiest and eats best when he's left to get on with it without too much interference. It can be hard to relax and trust the process, but then I stop and remind myself that it's all fun and experience at this stage. And the chooks will always eat what he doesn't. And it's only a mess, it can be cleaned up. And just allow him to do his thing. It's not always easy but I think it's worth it.

That's just a summary of some of the things I've learned to make this whole baby-led weaning thing easier. It is a very rewarding thing to do, I love watching him eating up by himself and improving his coordination and motor skills at the same time. Plus the inclusiveness aspect, whereby he eats what we eat, and we all sit at the table together. So lovely.

Oh, and one more tip. When you have a delicious morsel on your plate and you want to give it to baby [because you love your baby and you want the best for them, obviously], don't. Eat it instead. There's nothing like seeing that yummy delicious piece that you have forgone yourself, get turfed off the tray and onto the floor, without so much as a look at it. Best just eat it yourself.

Oh, and of course, use common sense and trust your judgement. I'm no expert, just a mum for whom these methods are working.

52 Self Portraits - No. 46

Bleary eyed.

The question most asked since our baby was born is 'how is he sleeping?', which is thankfully becoming less asked now that he is a bit older [and presumably, the interrupted sleep part is supposed to be over]. Because we co-sleep, I'm happily still breastfeeling William a number of times each night. We also do a nappy change somewhere  between 2am and 3am, otherwise our little one is completely wet through by morning [he often sleeps through this]. Some nights there are grizzles in his sleep, and he can be quite restless. Things we would miss if he was in a cot in another room. 

I am completely happy to be still feeding him during the night - it helps keep my milk supply strong now that he is eating solids, and I know that his nutritional needs are being met. He is a solid child. Healthy. This pleases me no end. Anyway, the sleep question. I'm amazed that it is so highly regarded, to have a child that sleeps through the night, when to my mind, the child needs to feed during the night. I guess each case is different. And I should add, he really does sleep through the night. It's us who don't. Me more so, but my husband always does the night-time nappy change, for which I am so grateful.

Some of these mornings are just a bit harder than others. Two cups of tea required for this one!

Talking About: Baby Led Weaning

I thought I'd share with you some of my thought about this baby led weaning caper. Our baby is now 7.5 months old and we've been eating solids by baby led weaning for about 6 weeks now. I honestly can't imagine feeding him solids any other way. Before we even started on solids proper, we were eating soup for dinner one evening and I offered him some on his little baby spoon, which he grabbed and tried to feed himself with. So I guess that's where it started. 

Because... what could possibly go wrong?

If you're not sure what baby led weaning is all about, google it, but essentially it involves the baby feeding itself from the start, and eating [I use that term lightly] whatever the rest of the family is eating [within reason and common sense]. This means, no 'baby food' in the traditional sense of jars of mush, no homemade combinations of mush, in fact no separate baby meals prepared. I think it can be a little daunting for some, and many people have concerns that the baby will choke on something.

But it seems little babies, once they lose the reflex to push food out of their mouths, are quite capable of mouthing food around, breaking it up with saliva and their gums, and if a large piece does go in the mouth, they seem quite capable of bringing it back up/out again. Obviously you wouldn't ever leave a baby unattended while feeding and I know I watch our little one like a hawk [discreetly mind you, the idea is not to stare at them but to let them get on with eating!].

It is a wonderful thing to see. We have watched our little baby's hand to mouth coordination develop quickly, and his excitement and enthusiasm for meal time is just so lovely. Watching his face when his bowl turns up, seeing him check over everything, touching and rummaging around to see what looks good to eat, and seeing him discard unwanted things over the side of the high chair [yeah, not my favourite part]. Seeing him pick up a piece of food, bring it to his mouth and pop it in. So sweet.

Over the past 6 weeks he has started to eat much more, as he gets better at holding the food in his hands, getting it into his mouth, and chewing it up. I will say though, more food still ends up on the floor than gets into his mouth. I guess something I often think is that we're lucky we can spare the 'wastage' of some food not being eaten [although in this house, there is no wastage as it all goes out to the chooks, so I don't really mind]. But I can envisage that this may be a problem in different circumstances.

Recently we stopped into a cafe after a wander into town and ordered ourselves some hot chips and drinks. Only when our food started to turn up did we realise 'oops!' as we didn't get anything for William, and he's certainly not going to start eating hot chips at 7 months old [unless I make them for him, and I do]. So I went back to the counter to see what I could find, and ended up ordering him a small bowl of fruit salad. It came, and he sat on his Daddy's knee, in the cafe, eating up his fruit salad. A little girl at a table nearby was heard to exclaim 'look, the baby's eating the fruit salad!'. 

I know this baby led weaning thing is not quite mainstream, but I would not do anything else. I would be depriving our baby of the opportunity to explore and learn about food, to choose what he puts into his mouth, to learn about the different textures, and flavours, and colours, and every other sensory aspect of eating. He knows how to eat from a spoon, he's learning that a fork is different [and sharp]. And seeing what he enjoys eating is just so interesting.

I guess in all this, I believe my role here as the mother, is to guide, show, encourage, support. I occasionally get to spoon feed him, when he lets me. I love that our mealtimes are so inclusive, and that what we eat, is mostly what he eats. I am also of the belief that 'food before one is just for fun', as he is still primarily sustained by my breast milk. Motherhood - another instalment of my take on it. 

Have you tried baby led weaning? Or did you use conventional baby feeding to go onto solids? If you have any questions about how this works for us, by all means ask in the comments section and I'll do my best to tell you all I know. I'll also be posting up some baby led weaning meal ideas in the next few weeks if you're interested to know exactly what we eat.

Please bear in mind that this is simply the story of one family - I do not profess to know all the ins and outs of baby feeding or baby led weaning. As always, do your own research and above all, trust your instincts.

Motherhood - Finding My Rhythm

My chubby boy in his op shop find Winnie the Pooh shirt.

My baby boy is nearly 7 months old. And I start to feel like there is finally some rhythm and structure to our days. I'm finding I am more able to be present, and to embrace my life running to baby time, which was certainly an adjustment from pre-motherhood life. I'm sure this process will continue but right now, we have a beautiful balance to our days.

I know how long he will sleep for overnight. I know that from when he wakes up, I've got about 2 hours until he needs to sleep again, give or take not very much. I know that when he goes down for a morning sleep, I've got about 2 hours until he wakes again, give or take not very much. I know the afternoon sleep will happen at some point, but it is not as predictable as the morning sleep. And I'm completely ok with that. 

He reached a point recently where he became happier to hop back into bed for a sleep, rather than sleep in my arms. Throughout the first 6 months, he was very much a sleep in mummy's arms or not at all kind of baby. And once I realised this, I was fine with it. There is a little bit of sadness to now tucking him in to sleep by himself, but he sleeps so much better. He will still call me in for a feed mid-sleep if he wants it. And late in the day there is still a shorter sleep in my arms, usually. 

We share our breakfast together, which I'm usually trying to prepare as my husband is about to leave for work. I've relaxed into the baby led weaning thing and now enjoy watching him feed at his own pace, without worrying about food going everywhere, or dropping his spoon, or whether most of his breakfast ends up on the floor. I absolutely feel the need to clean up after breakfast, but I've learned to let it go until he's back in bed. I give him a wash wash, clean his hands and face and clothes, and off we go for a play. 

I can hang the washing out with him sitting happily in his pram, watching the goings-on in the garden. Chooks, cats, dogs. There is always something to look at. I can sit him with some books while I brush me teeth, and he's fine. I remember the days of not getting a chance to clean my teeth until 3pm. Early motherhood is definitely full on. And I loved it then and I love it now. But there is such a wonderful understanding now, and I'm so unrushed, because I know enough to know that it's all ok. 

I love sitting with him in the sunny book room and reading his books. Little board books with touchy feely bits in them. He has really taken to them, and watches and listens whenever someone will read with him. And then he grabs the books and tries to eat them. He is just fascinated. It is such a pleasure, this motherhood business. I love giving him spoons and pots from the kitchen, and letting him play with them, just like mummy and daddy when we do the cooking. I love sharing a little snack with him. 

I had no idea what motherhood would be like. I'm happy that I love it so much. And this little boy, he just means everything to me.

Letting Go

I knew parenthood would change me, in ways that I could't possibly begin to imagine. And it is happening, and I'm changing and growing and evolving all the time. I think for me one of the hardest things has been to let go of any expectations from my days, and be completely present to the now. It's not easy living in the now! It is so much easier to occupy my thoughts with plans for the future, plans for the week, plans for lunch and a cup of tea. And I need to plan ahead at some point anyway, I don't mean just drifting along in life with no direction. I just mean being present in every moment.

There are of course about a million things I want to do, all at once, as always. Like re-designing my vegie garden layout. And making a new sleeping bag for William. And planting new pittosporums to replace the ones that didn't survive last summer. And making a silverbeet and lentil soup for lunch. And sitting down to watch Play School with William if we get the timing right. And taking us all for a walk to stretch our legs and get some fresh air. And pulling some weeds from the pebbled area out the front. Not to mention hanging the washing to dry, and folding the washing that's already dry, and putting on another load of washing. 

And if I'm lucky, I might make some progress on any of those things. It all depends. It depends if William is happy to have a little snooze in the pram while I dig or pull weeds; it depends if William is ok to play on the floor or in his play gym for a few minutes while I fold the washing; it depends if he will be happy to hang out in the carrier while I potter carefully in the kitchen. And it depends if I have the energy to do anything beyond the bare essentials with my day. I guess that's where the letting go lies. If it happens, it happens, and that's great. But I'm learning that I can't do everything, and my priority is always this little baby, and that's ok. 

I appreciate every little thing that I do get to do so much more than I used to. I no longer faff, or waste time, or procrastinate. Because if I get that spare 15 minutes, I'll use it wisely. And I let go of my expectations for my days, and allow them to unfold as they need to. As William needs them to. And cherish these moments because I know they won't last. Even the very draining ones, and the ones where I'm too tired, and the ones where I feel defeated. And sometimes, I still get to make a cake, and eat it too. If I'm lucky.

Tired Days

Well, it's hardly surprising, really. I'm tired. Today I finally feel really, really tired. A more interrupted than usual night, which saw me sighing and putting the kettle on at 4am instead of continuing the battle for more sleep. I have only myself to blame. I ate bread last night. We were down to bits and pieces left in the cupboards, my planned grocery shop didn't eventuate [I knew it wouldn't when I squeezed in that 20 minute bike ride]. So we agreed that leftover soup would suffice for dinner, rounded out with some cheese on toast. 

A not-so-tired day.

We are blessed living where we do. It's a solid drive to nearby towns for a supermarket shop, takeaway isn't an option, nor is a quick cafe fix. All good points in my book. But we do have a general store in town for the essentials of life - milk [not soy yet but I really should ask for it], tea, chocolate. And bread. Baked at a bakery in the town I used to live in, so it's not the mass-produced commercial bread. It is yummy bread. There's just one little problem with it - a thing called gluten. 

I make an effort to avoid eating gluten. I actually started avoiding gluten when I was pregnant. At 14-15 weeks, when I was thinking my energy levels would pick up somewhat, I was more exhausted than ever. I went to my TCM doctor, who gave me some great reading about eating during pregnancy, and gluten was one of the things best avoided. I tried it, and low and behold, felt about a million percent better for it. So that's where the avoiding gluten started. And I've just kept it up.

I still eat gluten in small amounts, but bread, pasta, flours - are generally of the gluten-free variety or avoided. And small amounts aren't a problem. So I figured a bit of bread wouldn't be a problem either. Oh but it was. Cue 8 hours past the first bits of bread being eaten, and my darling boy had an upset tummy. It happened once before too, with a yummy bread eaten for lunch, and our baby boy in tears and unconsolable that night. My poor baby, with a sore tummy that we can't do anything about, and all because I ate bread.

So, I am off the bread for good now. I should point out that there was extra gluten added to this bread, not just what was in the wheat flour alone. The mass produced bread is probably easier to eat, sadly. It's a horrible feeling, knowing that my breastmilk is giving my baby a sore tummy. I'm refusing to be a guilty mum though. Best to just learn and move on.

So that's why we were extra tired today.

Babies

My baby is 9 weeks old today. Where does the time go? And he's grown so much, so very fast. I had no idea how fast babies grow. In fact I had no idea about anything much to do with babies. I'm learning, as fast as I can now! I'm a pretty big fan of babies now I have to say. Actually I love them. I've turned into that person that goes 'ooooh' over a little baby, instead of the girl who said 'meh' with complete disinterest when discussion turned to babies. How times have changed.

Aren't they adorable?

And it's pretty good, this having a baby thing. Changing nappies doesn't bother me in the slightest, even though it one of those things people assume is a drawback of having a baby. Waking in the night doesn't bother me much [although ask my husband and he might say otherwise]. Doing constant loads of washing to make sure baby always has clean clothes and nappies doesn't bother me at all - I enjoy the rhythm of the necessary daily tasks. I love having this baby boy.

We got hold of a dvd about learning to understand your baby's talking [found here], which we watched for the first time last night. Now we're analysing every noise the little guy makes. Does he need to be burped? Was that a hungry sound? Oh no I think he's got wind! And so on it goes. We were up for an hour last night trying to settle him based on our new knowledge. I will only say that that's the first time we've been up for an hour in, oh lets see, 9 weeks. Hmmm. I wonder if all he wanted was to go back to sleep in peace. 

Do you know what else happens when you have a small baby? People like you. For no reason other than the fact that you have a little baby. Walking across a pedestrian crossing with baby in arms, and a large man with a scary moustache driving a big old 4WD yells out the window to my husband and I  'nice baby'. Ladies in cafes stop to tell you about their new granddaughter/grandson. People smile at you more. Sometimes I'm in a shop without my baby in my arms, and I wonder why people aren't smiling at me all the time. Then I remember, it's not me. It's my baby.

Ah babies. Life is lovely with a baby.

Surviving Early Parenthood

We've hit the 6 week mark of being parents now! And we have so far survived. It's not always been easy, and there's definitely a few things that have helped us through. Here's to sharing.

#1 - Sugar

Chocolate, to be more specific, although I have branched out to various other forms of instant energy as well. Liquorice all-sorts, jaffas, twirls, milk chocolate, dark chocolate. Oh and prunes. Yep.

#2 - Bucketloads of love, respect and tolerance

For yourself, your partner and the little bub. Because you will be sleep deprived, you won't have the quality one-on-one time with your partner that you used to have, and your entire world will revolve around feeding, changing nappies and doing washing. And it gets draining.

#3 - Tea

Because it's slightly better for you than coffee. Even just hearing the kettle boil is a sign of an impending 'break' - time to sit, sip tea, reconnect. Bliss. I wish for a cup of tea that never runs out.

#4 - A Sense of Humour

For those times when you have to either laugh or cry. Might as well choose laugh.

#5 - Tiny Pants

Because they're so dang cute. Suffice to say, the smallest member of the family wears the pants in our household. Luckily he's an awesome little guy.

Obviously this list is not definitive. But this is what is getting us through at the moment. I should point out that we also eat a balanced [mainly gluten free] diet, get regular exercise and sleep as much as possible.

Are you a parent? Do you have any advice for newbies? Please do share.

Then and Now

I have always known other people to say that having a child changes you, but until it actually happened, I couldn't really comprehend what that meant. Changed how?

But now I get it. Suddenly my entire being revolves around this little person. The love I have for this person, the strength of the bond I have to him, is above and beyond anything I ever thought myself capable of feeling. He is my world. Old places, people, situations - fall out of my life in an instant. Like they never existed. The need to protect and keep safe, to provide and care for, to shower with love and light, that is what I have now. 

Everything has forever changed. My life then, before baby, is over. My life now, with William here, stretches in front of me, and fills me with so much happiness and love. I couldn't ask for anything more.