Midweek Musings: The Gifts You Feel You Should Keep

A truly perfect gift - little jonquils from the garden, stems removed, given so beautifully by my little boy. 

Oh, we've been de-cluttering again. More on that another time, but needless to say, moving into a smaller house has forced us to get rid of even more stuff. And we thought we had already got rid of the excess. I guess now we're going through it all with a fine tooth comb and the reality (the very beautiful reality) of limited storage space for 'stuff'.

So I come to my topic. Gifts you feel you should keep. You know the ones, wedding gifts, birthday gifts, Christmas gifts. The things that are not quite right, are just not you, the ones you never even liked at all, ever. There is something about the gift that leaves us feeling that we should keep it, regardless of whether or not we like it, use it, want it, need it.

I think part of it is not wanting to hurt the feelings of the person who gave us the gift in the first place. And that is totally valid, no-one wants to go around hurting other people's feelings (not in these parts anyway). But is that enough of a reason to hang on to something that you otherwise would not keep? 

This is the murky waters of serious de-cluttering. In the current box of items to be donated to the op shop sits a waterford crystal bowl, a wedding gift from a grandmother. I don't think we have ever used it. Maybe once when we needed an extra salad bowl? The thing is, it's too good to use. The other thing is, we don't like it. Not the shape, not the style, not the size. It's just not right for us. My husband almost got rid of it once before, but decided against it after I pointed out how much those things cost. He googled it to confirm, and the bowl stayed. 

And now it is destined for the op shop. We have to be ruthless in this business, you know. I guess we could sell it, but I think we just don't want the hassle. Photographing it, setting up an ad online, getting weird text messages about it, having it sit around awkwardly in the house throughout the whole process. Blah. Straight to the op shop for this bowl. Someone somewhere will no doubt find it, love it and have the bargain of the year. But to us, it's value is pretty much nil.

And the pink t-shirt. The one my mum gave me for Christmas a few years ago. The one that was always a bit too small (maybe I'll fit into it one day?), a bit too bright ('but you love pink'), that might be ok to wear running (on the two occasions per year that I actually run, and it's still too small..). Finally, finally I have given up hanging on to it and sent it off to the op shop as well. And the reason I've held on to it for so long? Well, I didn't want to hurt my mother's feelings. To reject a gift from someone, is in a sense, rejecting the person. Only it isn't. It's just a thing, after all.

At our son's first birthday, there was quite a mountain of gifts from extended family. Some small and thoughtful, some large and extravagant and entirely not appropriate. Some were directly against our requests. I can tell you that a bunch of them ended up at the op shop, unopened from their packaging, the very next day. That was quite easy, in comparison. 

I think we could be considered harsh sometimes, but really, we appreciate the thought and effort behind gifts. We do, but we are just not into material stuff. And so finally, we are starting to get past the emotional holds that these things have over us, and just let them go.

How about you? Do you find it hard when you receive a gift that isn't quite right for you? Do you feel the need to keep it anyway?

Time to heal.

A little reflective post..

We have really picked up momentum with our decluttering efforts over the past month of so. As in, really picked up the pace. The list of things 'gone' includes two washing machines, a garden shredder, three chickens, two roosters, a massage table, a bloke stereo system, more than half of our books, household trinkets, some clothes, dvd's, cd's, gym equipment, sporting equipment, the list goes on. Looking back, it doesn't seem like so much, but I know there's things I've missed, and the simple fact that I can't even remember them tells me that - we just didn't need them. 

It's interesting to take a good, honest look at the things we own, and truly consider why we own them, and whether we need to own them. Particularly things that have an emotional attachment of some kind. Family heirlooms, gifts from family, things held onto since childhood. I am finding that a lot of the 'stuff' that I've been hanging onto, and lugging around through house move after house move, has a relevance to me from a particular point in my life. And that hanging onto it is not necessarily healthy for me. So the decluttering of physical stuff is having a real impact on an energetic and emotional level for me.

Like the stamp album I put together in the weeks following the death of my father, when I was 13 years old. I had no interest in stamps. But is was something to do, something to fill the void (like that void can be filled), something to keep my hands busy and my mind ever so slightly focused, while my world crumbled around me. That stamp album remained on the bookshelf wherever I moved to. Never touched, never looked at, never with a reason to keep it. So I let it go. I packed it up with a bunch of other books into a box destined for the op shop. And then I forgot about it, until that particular box went into the big red bin, and I had the sudden realisation of what had been in there. And then a wave of nausea washed over me, and then I felt lightness. Letting go of such a small, innocent possession as a stamp album, but more importantly, letting go of what it represented for me. Allowing me to move on.

And the cat and mouse mugs, a Christmas gift from my mother in a different time and a different place. I want to let them go, as we have many more mugs than we need. And I don't particularly like them, I never did. They are ok. But there is some kind of emotional hold on them, such that every time I think 'right, they're going into the box', I resist and hold back. So they remain in the kitchen. Maybe tomorrow I will part with them, and all the others that have been gifts over the years (most of them). And make space for us to get some new (old) mugs of our very own.

And the music books from when I studied piano, so many years ago. Exercise books with my teacher's scribble filling the pages. Stuff, just stuff, tied to a different point in my life, and so totally unnecessary for my life now. And not just unnecessary, but actually, I feel, holding me back from being the person I need to be now. All these things that I've been letting go of are things of the earlier version of 'me', things keeping me stuck in that earlier version. Hindering the evolution into the me of now. I'm loving the process, the purging of the unnecessary, the consideration of every single thing I own. Do I need this? Do I use it? Does it have meaning for me? Am I holding onto it purely out of emotional attachment, and if so, am I prepared to let it go?

This is a very healing path, the decluttering. By the second and third round, at any rate. The first round? That's the easy stuff. The second, third, fourth? That's the stuff where the attachments lie. But the momentum builds, and so more stuff keeps going out the door. And as it goes, more space is created to be the person I am now, and let go of the person who got me here. The convoluted path and the emotional baggage of the past is not important. Here, now. That is what is important to me.

Decluttering, again.

Clutter-free. Love.

I've talked about decluttering a bit on this blog, and gone so far as to declare this to be the year of decluttering. Lately I've had a massive shift in my ability to let go of 'stuff' that I've been carrying around with me for so, so long. Like, 10 years, 20 years… you get the idea. My husband blames it on clove oil. He added some clove oil to our homemade vinegar-citrus cleaner, so I've been unwittingly smelling it for days, and then he found a book that suggested clove oil be used to help one declutter their life. Whatever it is, it's working, as I finally let go of my books. More than half of my book collection is now gone!

I've written before about the trouble I have with letting go of books, in particular old text books from uni days long gone, and not so long gone. Something about having the text books stashed on the shelf, to remind me of my 'achievement' in conquering this particular subject or that. Or to serve as a reminder of 'who I am', because of what I have done. Something like that. A couple of months ago I had one of those 'ah ha!' moments where I realised that I could, if I wanted to, part with most of my books. If I wanted to. But since we live in a house with lots of built in bookshelf space, there was no need to at all.

And then all of a sudden, it happened, and I went on a whirlwind of packing up books into boxes. So many books! Big, heavy, burdensome books. And smaller, tucked away, unnecessary books. From my economics degree, just three small books remain, and to see just those three books on the shelf together, actually looks and feels wonderful. It's like I'm keeping only the ones I truly want, and now they can really shine and stand out and I appreciate them so much more. From the commerce side of my studies, nothing remains.  And the science too, for that matter. I've packed up 10 boxes so far, and I'm still going. It is quite the purge happening.

So we've been going for a walk every day to the local op shop, with the pram, my little one and two little dogs, and off go the books. I can stash two boxes of books in the bottom of the pram perfectly, and they stay put despite their hefty weight. I figure the exercise of pushing a really heavy pram is good for me, and I get the full experience of being lighter without the books, when I walk home with a significantly lighter pram. So bit by bit, a day at a time, the books are going and the shelf is starting to show a lot more white space. I never realised how nice white space really is. Looking back at how many books were there, feels so stuffy in comparison.

And in stuff that isn't books - I have managed to get rid of my entire life's history of tax returns. I didn't even write down the details of every year first, like I was going to. And the flippers I've had for 10 years and have used about three times, ten years ago - gone. The ribbons from childhood gymkhanas - gone. Other 'stuff' from mountain bike events - gone. It starts to look like I'm some kind of crazy hoarder. Maybe I was, but now my load is lighter, I have less stuff and I feel so light within myself as a result. I've also been reading a bunch of good articles that have helped me in my thoughts around decluttering, and how much 'stuff' I really need to own. Take a look if you're interested.

From Becoming Minimalist:

Choosing Freedom

16 Things Your Kitchen Can Do Without (the +1 at the bottom stands out for me)

And from Zen Habits:

Letting Go of Possessions

Of course there is always more do to. Baby clothes spring to mind… Have you ever had a breakthrough moment with stuff you've been hanging onto for years and years?

Living TV-Free

Where once the was a TV, now there is a singing bowl and a whole lot of white space.

Since it is apparently Screen Free Week or some such thing, I thought it would be timely to talk about living without a TV. Which we do. Obviously we aren't entirely 'screen free', as we spend time on the internet and I spend arguably too much time looking at my phone. But there is no TV in this house. [There are two in the shed I believe, part of the massive amount of 'stuff' to be gotten rid of in this year of decluttering.]

I'm not sure exactly when the TV went. That's how much notice I took of it. One day my husband simply said something like 'have you seen what's missing' and I finally clicked that there was no TV. I love that there is no TV in our house. If nothing else, a TV screen is not the most aesthetically pleasing thing to have in a room, on or off, and having a lounge room without a TV is much more relaxing, I find. There is no 'call to action' when you walk into the room. A blank TV screen feels a little like I should be looking at it, like I should turn it on. 

When we decided to move into this house in town, I was trying to picture in my head where various pieces of furniture would go, and I said to my husband that perhaps we should get rid of the TV as there was nowhere to 'hide' it [we had previously been in this house so I had an idea of what would go where]. Back in our little old house on the dusty country road, we had the TV tucked away in an unused fireplace, so it was not a prominent feature in the room. You didn't automatically walk in an see a screen anywhere. I was wanting to achieve something similar in the new place. 

Anyway, my husband didn't seem keen on the idea of having no TV, and I think I was even the one to bring it in from the shed and plug it in. We tried watching Play School a few times for William, but he was not into it at all [I was, I learned how to make beetroot pasta!] so I gave up on that. And my husband and I watched one show. One! Just one show in the first week or so of moving back in, and that was it. For months afterwards the TV sat untouched. So it was no surprise really that after a while the TV disappeared from the room. Firstly into the study, then out to the shed. Next step, out the door entirely.

I don't miss it at all. In fact I don't know how we would ever find time to watch TV. I know that we are busy with a young child and all that that entails at the moment, but even so, my preference these days would be to read a blog, write a blog, crochet something, draw something, take photos, edit photos, deal with housework and washing, make soap, read a book. There just isn't space for television.

I recall reading a piece about how television is like an intruder [which I cannot find a link to], and it has really stuck with me. Even in being selective about the shows we watched when we had TV, there was still advertising. Which is not something we want in the house.  Granted we rarely watched commercial channels, except for Friday night football really, but the ad breaks were enough to drive me nuts. Particularly as the volume seemed to increase for commercials. Horrible.

A few months ago we had dinner at a local pub, in the bistro, and there were a few TV screens about the place. We inadvertently sat underneath one, before it was switched on, and then on it came. I think it was the news that was on, but I couldn't believe how 'perfect' the presenters were made to look. Almost de-humanised, with so much makeup on. I guess there's no photoshop for TV, other than huge amounts of makeup. It was just weird. And I realised then, once again, that we're out of step with the mainstream. And happily so!

How about you? Do you have TV in the house or has it gone? 

Decluttering: My Mind and His Toys

Before William was born, we were absolutely adamant about a few things, one of them being toys. We wanted quality, wooden toys, not plastic, and handmade if possible. And not too many of them. Charles was good at telling people fairly bluntly about our desires. And grandparents have been very good at taking it on board, I have to say.

But somehow, when we looked around our house, our standards had slipped. There were plastic toys given as gifts from workplaces and relatives, and even one or two that I had picked up myself. And so many toys. Probably not that many by today's standards really, but more than a little baby needs. And we noticed a behaviour in our son - pull out a toy, look at it for a minute or two, then discard it. Pull out another toy, look at it for a minute or two, and discard it. And so on. 

I guess the concerning thing for us out of this, apart from the plastic, is the effect of too many toys. Fostering a lack of focus on any one toy, always moving on to the next one. Getting bored with something very quickly, and looking for the next 'exciting thing' to entertain. When what we actually want to foster in our son, is the ability to play with his imagination. Anything can be a toy or a prop when you use imagination. That is what we want to encourage in him.

So we've been doing a big cull. Some of the toys have gone to the op shop bag, and some have been put away for use in a rotation system, of sorts. There are still what we think is too many toys around, so we'll have to do another round of decluttering. Already our home feels lighter. There is less choice for William, and he's been making better use of the fewer toys he has. And there is less clutter and less mess scattered around the house. I actually don't mind the mess he creates, as long as he's having fun. But I do mind if we're encouraging him to use and discard things very quickly. 

And then I turn my attention to myself. I find myself frustrated because I'm not 'getting anywhere' with all the things I want to do right now. Honestly, I have about 10 creative projects on the go or in my head. Crochet a new blanket. Do a blogging course. Update pretty much all of my blog. Write a book? Learn how to use photoshop. Taking more photos daily. Do a parenting course. Read a book. Document my recipes. Be creative in my cooking. Write blog posts. Edit photos. Take photos. After my priorities as a mother and a wife, and looking after the vegie garden and the cats and dogs and chooks and washing and feeding us and keeping the house in order. And I think, what am I modelling for my child? Too many activities on the go, no time to focus on any one, being scattered and 'not getting anywhere' on any of them. 

I think his toys are not the only thing that need to be decluttered. I need to remember that this is 'peak hour' in my life, and probably will be for a few more years. And some of the 'me' projects might just have to wait a while. The solution for now might just be to write them all in a big journal and get to them one day in the future, when I am less in demand. But oh, how to choose what to let go of. Such a tough decision!

I've read some interesting articles on children and toys lately, this one in particular provided some food for thought: Why I took my kids' toys away {& why they won't get them back}.

What do you think, do too many toys make for kids with a short attention span? Do you have any tips for how to focus on one creative outlet at a time, rather than ten?

Declared: A Year of Decluttering

Last year we decided we were having a year of consolidation [which you can read about here]. And it was pretty good really, we feel that we have 'consolidated' our lives a lot. Unexpected things came out of it, like moving from our house in the country to a regional town again, and some of the things we knew we needed to do were also done, like consolidating bank accounts. Things that you can just put off, and put off, and put off. Still a few loose ends to be tidied up, but all in all, we feel consolidated, for now.

Audrey and Beryl enjoying a dust bath under my little quince tree [in need of a tidy up..]. But what have chickens got to do with decluttering?

So this year, we have decided that our focus is on decluttering. There's nothing like moving house to highlight how much excess 'stuff' we are carrying. So it's all about going through our belongings, sorting out what is staying, what can go, and then making it happen. We made a good start on the process late last year, using the local paper to rehome some of our unwanted and unnecessary things - an extra baby car seat, a hand-me-down porta-cot [we co-sleep, so it seemed unnecessary], a home brew kit that was an unwanted gift. And this represents just the tip of the iceberg.

I'm not even thinking about declutting my books at this stage, although I did have one of those 'ah-ha' moments recently where I realised I could, I really really could, actually part with at least half of my book collection. I could, but it seems pointless when we have some built-in floor to ceiling bookshelves in this house. So perhaps for the next move I will tackle the books. For now, we have a shed full of extra bits and old things and bikes and broken lawnmowers. An extra bed, his old speakers, my old gym equipment. Two extra washing machines, a second pram. Desks we don't use.

It's a big job. That's why we've decided this whole year is dedicated to the big declutter. Little things from the house can also go - clothes, toys [already, and our son is not even 10 months old!], kitchen appliances we don't use, little belongings that hold no meaning for us. It is an ongoing process. I dream of a house and shed where there is space, and room to breathe. A place for everything and everything in its place. Nothing that doesn't need to be there. No clutter. No climbing over garden tools that lie sprawled over the shed floor, with all the shed space taken with unnecessary things. 

Do we really need a whole year dedicated to the process? I think we do. If last year is anything to go by, we didn't feel like we even started our 'consolidation' until the middle of the year! Plus keeping our focus on this whole decluttering thing is helping us make better purchasing decisions. Already we see this thing or that, and think hmmm that would be ok - or is it just an unnecessary thing? Something to use once or twice a year? Hardly worth it. We are becoming smarter consumers. This whole decluttering business feels like the hangover from poor purchasing decisions in the past.

And what of the chickens? Well, we need to do some decluttering in that department too, as little miss Frankie has got five baby cheep cheeps running around now, bringing the tally in our little town backyard to eight. Of which, potentially five can be roosters. What were we thinking?

Reverse Shopping

We were planning on going to the local farmers market recently, and I was asking my husband if there was anything he wanted to get there. His reply was something along the lines of 'we need to get rid of stuff, not buy more stuff'. What a wise man! He then went on to say that we need to do 'reverse shopping'. Otherwise known as decluttering, I think. To be fair, the only thing I wanted to find at the markets was seedlings for the new vegie garden. But anyway, he does have a good point. 

Having recently moved house, I cannot believe how much 'stuff' we have. I thought we had done quite a bit of decluttering already this year, but apparently nowhere near enough. Actually looking at it now, I think we've been scratching at the surface. All the stuff that is easy to get rid of is gone - the stuff we really didn't like, things long ago received as gifts but never used, the books I really didn't want on our bookshelf. The clothes that were easy to get rid of for whatever reason.

Open all hours for reverse shopping. You just don't get paid for it.

But still so much stuff! Clothes, clothes and more clothes. Clothes that I haven't worn for years, but that I just hang on to in case I one day want to wear them again. Clothes from my days in corporate dress [a while ago now], summery dresses that suited me a few years ago but that I just wouldn't/won't wear now, and twenty million pairs of jeans [out of which none actually fit well]. Bike clothes that I needed for 6am rides during a Canberra winter... which I absolutely do not need now.

As for the books, well, the new house has a room with floor to ceiling built-in bookshelves, so my only problem there is not enough books. Best not talk too much about that in this post.

Then the is the shed. Currently it is overflowing with an excess of 'stuff'; our combined bits and pieces that we have collected over the years. Two washing machines [mine and his, this house comes with one]. A television. His sound system thing. My gym equipment stuff. We both seem to have a bit of trouble parting with these things that are a reflection of our former lives. Apart from the washing machines, it's just pure laziness that they're still here.

Oh and a car. Whereas we needed two cars in our old location, now we have one that doesn't get used at all and one that barely gets used. So we need to get rid of one of those too. It feels like a mountain to be climbed, getting rid of all the excess stuff. We've already taken a few loads to the salvation army bin, and we have a bag sitting in the hallway that is getting added to daily for the next load to go. It is a slow process but it does feel good, seeing things disappear.

I just hope that from this we learn to be more discerning about what we buy in the future. I can already tell you that I will only buy quality jeans that I'll still love in 5 years, rather than cheap trendy options. I will think much more carefully before buying any new clothes, and I'll be trying to use a 'one in, one out' policy. So that if I'm going to buy something new [to me], I'm going to get rid of something old. Be that to the rag bag or the salvos bin.

And as for the bathroom, well, I've come to realise that most of the stuff floating around in that room was/is completely unnecessary, so most of it is going in the bin. Funny how we get sold the idea that we need so many different little lotions and potions, creams and washes. I just want this house to hold the essentials that we need, and nothing more. No clutter, nothing taking up space that doesn't need to be here. Creating a free flow of energy in our space.

So anyway, reverse shopping. The only part missing is where we get money for getting rid of all our excess stuff [well, the smaller stuff anyway]. It would be interesting to add up roughly how much money I had spent on all this stuff that is now going, but I think I would be horrified. I'm happy to put that down to the cost of learning a lesson about having too much stuff.

We never made it to the farmers market either. Baby went to sleep, and one thing I do know is, don't wake a sleeping baby. 

Decluttering - When You Can't Let Go

I love this whole decluttering thing. It's everywhere, isn't it? The whole 'life is better when you have less stuff' philosophy. And I really do love it, it feels great to clear a space, rid myself of things I no longer want or need. I've done massive amounts of decluttering in the past 12 months or so. One of my big weaknesses is paperwork. I have a tendency to hang on to paper that has 'important stuff' on it. Like payslips from my first job. 18 years ago. Yes, they're gone now, but I refuse to get rid of the associated tax returns. I am keeping them, every last one that I've done, and that is final.

But on to another little problem I have - books! I just can't seem to bring myself to get rid of them. Well, not entirely true, I did sell a bunch of Bryce Courtney books at our community garage sale back in March. It was a little bit hard but I did it. I mean, I've read them, they were good and all, but life is busy and am I ever likely to read them again? No, not really. And then there are the text books. Big, heavy, probably well outdated, text books. You know I have 3 statistics text books on the shelf? Seriously, I have about zero need for them. But I can't let go! 

I guess I have a case of serious emotional attachment to them. It seems they are something of a shrine to a former life, a former career, a course of study that I put myself through when I didn't know what the heck else to do with myself. Perhaps just having them there makes me feel smart. Like I need a reminder, or so other people will think I'm smart. Scary, but possibly true? Or what if I get rid of them, and then suddenly have a burning need to look something up, something that I could only possibly find in Global Business Today? Which is no doubt too old to be relevant anyway!

I would love to lighten the load further, have less clutter and less stuff in my life, and create more space in this nice and not huge home of ours. I suspect it would feel very liberating to let all these books go too. Like I'm not tied in to that part of my life. And allow myself to really move on from that time. I wonder what it is I'm holding on to, exactly. Perhaps I want my son to grow up surrounded by books. But even so, surely it would be better to have books that he's likely to read? But what if he wants to read about economics, and all those books were gone?

I guess he would have to find his own books, on his own path. I guess I should just be brave and let them go, and make space for new books. I think I just need to do it. If you've made it this far in reading this post, well done and thank you for allowing me this brain dump. And if you're after a statistics text book by any chance, do let me know. Seriously.

On The Weekend

I treated myself to a small pack of coloured pens. Ok so that's not the most exciting thing in the world, but I'm happy about it. It gives me something to draw with, or doodle with. I love colour, bright colours that pop off the page. When I see these pens I want to draw with them and it doesn't matter what ends up on the page.

I also treated myself to a laminator. Why am I even telling you this? Well I've had a little project in mind for a while now, and it really needs a laminator. So that project will be happening this week, and I'll share it with you when it's done. I'm pretty excited for it.

And, in the process of making room on my desk for new things, I had a major 'declutter' and got rid of heaps of old stuff that had been sitting around - in folders, piling up in drawers, gathering dust on my desk. I was ruthless. I got rid of a whole bunch of paperwork, some of which went back to 1999. Yes. 14 years ago. Not sure what I was hanging on for, but it's gone now, and I really feel like I've lightened the load! I tend to think that the amount of physical 'stuff' we accumulate is a physical reflection of how much 'stuff' we're carrying around in our minds/bodies. I've thrown out/burned/given away a heap of stuff from my workspace in the past year, I guess I was down to those last bits and pieces that I couldn't quite part with. It's not all gone by the way. I still have, and am keeping, every tax return I've ever done, all neatly filed away. We all have our things that we keep! What are yours?