Working With The Energies: Full Moon

There's a big and powerful full moon coming up this Sunday. The full moon is always time of letting go of things that no longer serve us, things that are not healthy for us, things that are not in our highest good. It's a really beneficial practice to actively work with the energies of nature; we are one with nature and we feel the effects whether consciously or unconsciously. Think about the effect of the moon on the tides and the ocean. Our bodies are something in the order of 70% water - we too, are affected by the moon.

So yeah, letting go. Life moves in cycles, and there are always things coming and going from our lives, big things and little things. People, situations, emotions, feelings, physical items. We are in a constant dance of energy, things moving in and moving out, the give and the take. The bringing in of the new, and the letting go of the old. It is impossible to bring in anything new when we're clinging on to the old, the things that no longer serve us. And the time of the full moon is the best time in the month for letting things go.

On the physical side of things, it could look like doing a space clearing in your house. Or a spot of decluttering, cleaning, sorting. It's always good to get into the spaces that don't see much movement - in the corners, under the bed (particularly around the bed head area), behind furniture. Even cleaning out the fridge, or at least tossing out the really sad looking bits. Taking all items from surfaces and cleaning, thinking carefully about what to put back and what can go. Burning sage to clear the space is beautiful and ceremonial and brings a freshness to the home.

When it comes to people, places, situations, substances, it can be helpful to take a good look and think about what needs to go. Not that I'm saying kick people out of your life (unless you really need to!) but more about circumstances with people. An ongoing disagreement or irritation, an old emotional pattern that isn't helpful anymore, a situation where ingrained patterns are the norm and you can see the need for change. That sort of thing. For those things, there are many ways you can let go, a good one is to cut the cords of energy going from you to that person/situation/feeling). Just close your eyes, and let your body, your mind, show you where the cords are. Then you can visualise cutting them yourself, with scissors or the like, or you can call in higher powers, like Archangel Michael who can cut them with his sword. All very powerful stuff, any which way you do it.

And for the body, holding the intention of letting go of anything that doesn't serve you over the coming days will work. A dip in the ocean, in the salt water, is a wonderful way to clear the energetic space of the body, and if you can't get to the ocean, taking a sea salt bath at home works beautifully too. A time of eating well, eating fresh foods that nourish the body, avoiding harsh foods or those that get the body all wound up. A time for detoxing.

This is what the full moon is wonderful for. That and sending emotions a bit all over the place. Carrying a piece of Moonstone helps with that emotional stuff.

I'm feeling this full moon energy building quite strongly. Over the past year I've gotten pretty good at letting go of stuff, not always entirely comfortably. So I'll be taking it pretty easy, being gentle with myself, knowing that I'm closer to my emotional edge than I'd like to be. And holding that space with the intention of letting of all that no longer serves me. I'll be doing yin yoga and having sea salt baths if anyone is looking for me.

Have a great weekend!

And Then I Discovered Yin Yoga

I could just sit and watch them grow.

I was reading a book not so long ago, called Don't Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle by Doreen Virtue, and she talks a bit about yin yoga in the book. A yoga practice that is slower, softer, feminine and gentle. Holding poses (I suppose I should start to use yoga speak, asana's) for quite a long time, just sinking into the body, abiding in the stillness of the pose and finding the quiet within. It all sounds blissful and in my experience, it is.

Anyway, before reading her words, I had not heard of yin yoga and I'm new at the yoga path in general, having taken it up only 6 months ago. But, I knew very early on that yoga was going to be part of my everyday life as I was instantly taken with how these simple body poses are so calming, so cleansing, so life altering and yet so simple. So yes, yoga is here to stay for me. But this yin yoga thing was all new again.

As soon as I read her words about it, I knew exactly what pose I needed to be in. The one that my book even says to hold for 3 minutes and I hold for, ooh maybe 30 seconds. Pigeon pose. That one. Hmmm. So that evening, after reading this book, I got out my mat, warmed up a little, spent some time in child pose and then went into deep long holds each side for pigeon pose. I stayed there through the resistance, my body wanting to move, demanding to move, screaming to move and then sighing and giving in to the pose. And I stayed a little longer again. Beautiful. I already knew I loved yin yoga.

Anyway, about 3 hours later, I woke up in bed with a powerful energy shift. It was like something from my abdomen was literally torn apart with two flashes of light, one heading to my feet and the other to my head. I knew instantly it was because of that yin yoga, the pigeon pose. The one I had been avoiding. The word that popped into my head was purging. And then the nausea struck. And shortly after that, the purging began.

I spent the next 10-odd hours being incredibly ill, completely incapable of parenting so nana was called in (thankfully) and wondering when it was all going to end. But at the same time, I knew that this was a huge, massive energy shift for me, an extremely powerful and physical release, and I was immensely grateful at the same time. That nausea, I had carried it around with me for over a decade. Probably two. And it was finally shifting.

It's funny the way we store 'stuff' in our bodies. The things we haven't dealt with, don't want to deal with; the feelings that are too hard to feel so we stuff them down and pretend they aren't there. I don't even know what was held in that nausea, but I knew it was there. Many years ago, more than 10 and well before I was ever on any truly spiritual path, I did some Chi Gong classes, and that's where I first confronted my nausea. Crazy, that these strange poses could leave me knocked out on the floor feeling sick as a dog. And the nausea was still there years later when I did my first Reiki attunement, back when I was pregnant with my boy. Excruciating, and in all honesty I'm glad it didn't shift too much under those circumstances, seated in a group circle and all (I had a spirit guide standing behind my chair throughout that one, holding me up, bless her). And in more recent times, the constant nagging nausea, the lump in my throat, the number of times I tried to make myself sick just to shift it, I could feel it so strongly (from all the energy cleaning work I've done, I suppose, stripping away layer after layer, getting to the heart of the matter). Course it didn't budge. Not until pigeon pose.

I hope I'm not turning you off yin yoga here, but I do love this story. I love that after so many years, after so much healing, clearing, shifting energy, I finally got to experience this seismic shift. We are all so different in how we process and deal with stuff, and my story might be on the extreme end of things (I do get great big explosive shifts, and to be honest, it suits me just fine) but I cannot emphasise the beauty of yin yoga enough. Also called restorative yoga, it is truly such a gentle yet deep and profound practice, and so very simple to do. No crazy difficult poses, no working up a sweat, not at all. Just deep, gentle and healing. This is where I'll be dedicating my yoga practice in the most part this year, slowly, gently and powerfully restorative.

Do you do yoga? I was very late to get on the yoga train but I absolutely love it now. It is a life changer for me.

Prayer.

I think one of the biggest things I have learned in the past year, with my awakening and the life events that followed, is to have faith in the power of prayer. I pretty much went from someone who prayed maybe once every 5 years to someone who prays, heaps. I mean heaps. 

I suppose that I now see how powerful it is, to pray, and literally ask for help from above with things in life. I have seen almost immediate results in some cases - I pray for more money in the bank and a sale goes through my shop shortly after. I pray for guidance and I find it in the words of someone on my Instagram feed. I pray to be filled with love energy and I can instantly feel my heart chakra pumping. 

Those are pretty small examples, or perhaps not small but just very specific. I pray a lot more for the big stuff, not just for me but for everyone on this here planet we live on. I have faith in the power of prayer, and sometimes that is all I have faith in. Once upon a time I thought prayer was only for religious people, so I was put off as I was never drawn to organised religion (Buddhism aside, but I find that more philosophy than religion). I was wrong; there is nothing religious about prayer. 

We live in an imperfect world, where many many wrongs and injustices have taken place and continue to take place. I wonder just how many of us it takes, to pray for things to be different, to bring about real change. To be honest, I gave up on politics as a means of change a very long time ago. Long before I knew of other ways to effect change. But now I do know other ways, and prayer is a big one of those. 

Can I ask one thing? If you feel so inclined, could you join me in a prayer - anytime, anywhere, everywhere. I just pray that children are safe and protected in this world. All children, everywhere.

That's me for today. 

10 Things I Learned in 2015

I usually avoid writing anything like a '10 Things...' kinda list, but on this occasion I'm just going to go with it. 2015 was an epic year for me, kicking off with a spontaneous Kundalini awakening on 2 January. The reverberations have been pretty big and brought through some intense change and absolutely brought me to a whole new place of understanding. My inner landscape is forever changed, and as within so without, my physical reality around me is being shaped and formed by an entirely different set of thoughts and beliefs. All for the better too. Anyway, 10 things.

1. I learned that there is more, so much more, to life in this physical realm than what we can see with our eyes, feel with our hands or hear with our ears. That inherent knowing, intuiting, sensing from within, are the most powerful senses I have, and the ones I can rely on. 

2. I learned that everything in our experience, everything in our existence, is there because we make it so. The things we love, the things we don't love, the things we are ambivalent about. It is all there through our own focused creating, and it we want it to be different, we need to change ourselves. 

3. I learned that love is always the answer. Always. There are no exceptions to this. 

4. I learned that the only real relationship I truly must cultivate is that with God*/Source/Creator; and in so doing, all my relationships will by default improve and flourish.

5. I learned that the only power I am truly responsible to, the only law that I must truly abide in, is that of God/Source/Creator. And that that is entirely based in love.

6. I learned that all is there to be seen, if only we will care to see, choose to see, release our fear of seeing. We all have the same capacity to feel energy, see energy, hear guidance. It is up to us to choose to use it.

7. I learned that the energy in my body feels lighter, calmer, healthier, happier, higher, when I abstain from drinking coffee, eating chocolate and consuming any foods from an animal. Yep, heading vegan very rapidly in these parts.

8. I learned that the very best advice I can rely on is that which emirates from my own self. From my hara (my gut feel) in particular. And I learned that I can rely on it entirely, 100%, every time.

9. I learned that the soul is eternal; that there is no 'death', that fear and polarity are simply aspects of 3rd dimensional reality, and do not actually exist.

10. I learned that blogs don't write themselves. I'm planning on being around a bit more in 2016.

So, 2015 was for me a big year of shifting understanding, delving deep into the inner landscape, playing with energy and most importantly, doing fundamental work to shift then energy in my physical body. It's been a big year. I'm ready now to take all that I learned and marry that up with the parts of myself I have left aside for a while, and at the same time letting go forever of the parts of me that needed to go. Bring on 2016!

* The whole God thing. I wrote this post a while back about how uncomfortable I am with the term God. And I still am, but with more clarity now. In a deep inner place a little while back, having conversations with Jesus, I asked why is it God, a masculine energy that is the highest being. And the answer immediately came back that that is simply a construct of the physical world, an outcome of polarity. That in truth, there is no separation of masculine and feminine, that God is just a name. Which makes perfect sense to me, but I still have a bit of trouble with the term. 

Time To Smile

It's been a long year. It's been one of those years. Remembering back to New Year's Eve, remembering how positive I felt, how good I felt, about the upcoming year. And four days later I thought I was dying when I had that Kundalini awakening thing, and I remember thinking 'well I got that one wrong' about my positive feelings for the year ahead.

And in all honesty it's been what feels like one life shake-up after another. Which I now understand is what happens with an awakening like I experienced. Change, not matter how beneficial in the long run, can be so very uncomfortable at the time. Big changes that can be so unsettling, can shake the core of who you think you are and what you believe about yourself. Small changes that seem so minor at the time, yet the reverberations can be the most profound.

A big part of my lesson this year has been finding peace within myself, when all around me seemed so uncertain, so scary, so unknown and so very much not what I wanted to be dealing with. Finding the place within, where the breath is easy, where I am centred and grounded, where in this moment I am ok, even if nothing around me feels ok. And I know those lessons were needed. Still, I was very keen to release that phase and move on.

And true colours were shown so clearly, both my own and those closest to me. And I didn't very much like what I saw. An awakening to my own nature, and to the reasons behind that, again offering me a chance to acknowledge things as they were, and make changes. Deep, painful, fundamental changes. And man it hurts at the time, it all bloody hurts. Knowing there are parts of you that are not what you thought, and wanting to change but not quite knowing how. Those are murky waters to wade through. But still, to get to the clear waters, is there any other way?

My reiki teacher used this wonderful analogy about healing. He said think of yourself as being like a jar of water, with mud settled at the bottom. When you start to shake things up, when you start to clear the mud, remove it from the jar, what happens? Is it plain sailing, you just pull it out? Or does the mud move, swirl, merge with the water, make the jar cloudy. Make it feel like you're not getting anywhere, when actually you're on the way to clearer places. When you're wading through that mud, it's not a very comfy place to be. And then you reach a place where you have cleared some mud, but perhaps not all the mud, and it settles to the bottom once again. Less, but still there. And then the next thing comes along to shake it up, swirl it all around, and you can remove some more mud from the jar. And it is uncomfortable again, for a while. And it settles again, for a while. And throughout it all, you find a place of peace within, or try your hardest to.

I wonder just how many shake-ups it takes to clear all the mud from the jar.

And meanwhile, it's nearly summer; the longest winter is over. The past is what it is, nothing will change it. The future is not yet written, and my thoughts now will change it. So I'm making my thoughts what I want them to be, where I want them to be, and trusting in the flow of positive change. It's time to smile.

Release, Let Go, Recover

Helpers on the path.

It would be fair to say that this year, I had done a lot, a great big lot, of releasing. You know, letting go of things that no longer serve my highest good, letting go of situations, people, places, spaces, everything. Not necessarily (consciously) voluntarily, either. And not always with the grace I would like to imagine I possess. Even when I know that letting go of something is good for me, that I will be better off for it, there is still that part of me that was attached to that thing/person/place, that screams 'noooo, hold on!', and it can be a little bit painful to actually release and let go. It can be painful, it can be scary, it can cause upheaval in your life, it can leave you feeling completely unsure of your direction, of where you're going, of what you want out of life. It can feel like the hardest thing in the world when the people who were close to you are the ones you realise you need to let go of, and you find yourself in the space between - when the old and outdated has left, but the new and different has yet to appear. That can be shaky territory, that one. Every single time, even when I know it, when I've been there before and I trust in it. Still shaky territory. Let's face it, letting go of something familiar that you're attached to, no matter how much you truly need to, is kinda hard.

So in all that, I've also had to learn how to do the work, and cope with day to day life of solo parenting a toddler. That's just my circumstance, everybody has their own day-to-day life that they need to attend to. And when it feels like your world is falling in, like the solid ground beneath your feet has given way to a shaky, wobbly old plateau instead, when you're feeling around in the dark waiting for the light that you know will come, you still need to eat, sleep, rest, socialise, play, work, tidy and clean, exercise, meditate - all of the things. It's not like you can actually press pause, no matter how much you might sometimes like to. And for me, that's where the part about Recover comes in. Release, Let Go, Recover. A release happens - a change, a shift in awareness or consciousness. It brings stuff to the surface to be dealt with, and sometimes it hurts. So you Let Go - you feel it, you accept it, you know that This Too Shall Pass and you trust as best you can in the process. And then you Recover. What does that even mean, Recover?

Back in my twenties, I spent countless hours each week riding my bike, training for races and always pushing, pushing pushing. When I wasn't riding, I was in the gym working on my strength, and my mind was always going - analysing, over-analysing, and over-over-analysing. And the single biggest thing I did wrong was not give myself a chance to recover. Because for every time you push your body, you need to let it recover, so that it can be stronger for the next time. If you don't allow the recovery, you just get tired, weak, run down, exhausted, and before long, you're too tired to even do the sessions to push the body. My single biggest weakness, has always been in not allowing for the downtime, for the recovery. And I've seen the exact same pattern appear in my spiritual growth, of pushing on, expanding awareness, experiencing the release, and not truly giving my body enough time to deal with it, process it, before I'm off and pushing for the next thing again. It could be said that I'm a slow learner.

I'm now making a very, very conscious effort to fully recover, to nurture my body, accept the down-time needed after making any shifts, after releases, big and small. Trying to give myself down time before it is forced upon me by a meltdown, and still failing at times too. So it goes, right? But it terms of actually allowing the Recovery, these are some of the things I do that help:

I sleep. I acknowledge that my body is working, energy is moving, things are clearing and sometimes, the very best state to be in is to be unconscious and out of the way, letting the body just do what it needs to do. Sleep is the way. Getting to be an hour earlier, even if it's every other night, helps me.

I soak in a bath. Granted, by the time I get to the bath, I'm usually at meltdown point but occasionally I get there when I need it, not well and truly after. Adding salts and essential oils to the bath (Sweet Orange is my favourite), lighting a candle and keeping some helpful water-happy crystals close by (Rose Quartz, Mangano Calcite are good) all help the body to fully relax. Making sure the water is high enough to cover the heart, keeping the heart chakra warm and comforted. Some meditative breathing, allowing the warm water to gently soothe and heal.

I get outside. Not in an active or strenuous kind of way, but in a gentle way that soothes the soul. A little garden pottering, a gentle wander in a forest, hugging a tree. Seriously, hug a tree and feel the energy that radiates from it, it so quickly clears and puts everything into perspective. For me, anyway.

I give myself space. Not always an easy thing with a busy toddler buzzing around, and it usually means being climbed all over by my little. But just giving myself a little time out, accepting that everything that needs doing can wait a while - 5 minutes, 10 minutes, whatever it takes, and it's usually not all that long. Just a little time out, a mental break, where nothing needs to be done and I can just 'be'.

I listen to my body. This is a big one, as the body always knows what it needs, but so often we are too busy with life to be tuned in and listening. Sometimes my body wants nothing more than to lie on the couch (ok, I rarely get that one), sometimes it is screaming at me to move through some yoga poses, sometimes it says a great big 'no' to my daily coffee (that is often over-ridden), sometimes my body is saying 'please drink more water' and sometimes my body is saying no to certain foods, and even to the amount of food I eat - the body knows exactly what to do. The more we get out of the way, the better it works.

I think this list could go on and on but I'm going to leave it there. I'm sure you get the idea. Giving the body grace and space to recover from any release, any emotional upheaval, any clearing out. I'm learning (ever so slowly, mind!) to let this body recover, before I go pushing it again.

And when all that still fails, just say OM.

*  *  *  *  *  *

I'm finding these days that whatever I planned to write about when I sat down, disappears as soon as I start tapping at the keys and something entirely different comes through. In all honesty, I have no idea what's coming to this space next. It's always been a little that way; often seeing the words I type is like the lightbulb of clarity surrounding the thoughts floating though my head. These days, all I know is that if I sit to write, something will come out, and it's not going to be what I planned. So it goes.

Grounding

Grounding. I would have to say that the cornerstone, the absolute essential thing in my spiritual growth and my spiritual path, is grounding. Being grounded. Here on Earth, feeling at one, knowing I belong here and that this is my home, for now.

Being grounded is when your lower chakras as strong. When your base, sacral and solar plexus chakras are strong, energised and spinning the way they're supposed to. I know for me, and for many many other people, there is a tendency to easily connect to the higher chakras, the third eye and crown, which is wonderful and amazing, but it is so important that the lower chakras be strong to provide a counter-balance to the higher energies. If they're not, if the higher chakras are strong and the lower chakras are weak, that's when you become 'ungrounded' and that's a problem. It's not the nicest thing to experience. But possibly quite common. It is helpful to think of the chakras in a pyramid form - the bigger, or stronger the base, the higher the top (crown chakra) can go. Conversely, if there's a narrow base and a really tall tower (weak lower chakras and strong higher chakras), things can be a little unstable.

There are many 'symptoms' of being ungrounded. It can be simple things like feeling a bit spaced out or dazed, bumping into things often, not being focused on 'real-world' things - physical things, taking care of daily life.  It can be having difficulty finishing sentences when speaking, being easily distracted and finding it hard to get to where you want to be in life. It can be not even knowing where you want to be in life. It can be having difficulty meeting your material needs. It can get serious and manifest as depression, unwanted out of body experiences and feelings of wanting to leave the earth. It can show up as exhaustion and an inability to get enough rest, despite getting plenty of sleep. Funny to think that all these things can have a basis in spiritual stuff, isn't it? *

I've had more than my own fair share of feeling ungrounded, especially over the past few years. For me, most of the lesser 'symptoms' were all present and I had no idea, absolutely no idea, that there was a spiritual basis to any of it. That was a while ago. And in fact I probably still experience some of them more often than not (that not finishing sentences thing..). And in my worst moments, when there was way too much higher chakra stuff going on and not enough strength in my lower chakras, I would look longingly up at the sky and just want to be there, or I would have thoughts about wondering whether I had actually died already, but my soul hadn't realised and was just hanging about on Earth (I'm sure there's movies about stuff like that, isn't there?). Not the most pleasant thoughts to be sitting with. Being grounded really truly is an important consideration.

The thing is, grounding is a continual thing - it needs doing, and doing, and doing. It's not like you can do it once and say 'ok, that's it, I'm grounded now' and forget about it. It's a daily practice. An hourly practice, sometimes. A minute by minute, moment by moment practice, sometimes.

So, how do you get grounded? There are so many ways to ground yourself, but one of the best is to be outside, in nature, feeling the Earth energy. Preferably away from the hustle and bustle of city life, but even if that's not possible, just being outside, connecting to the Earth. Bare feet on the Earth, hands in the dirt. So things like gardening, heading to the beach, heading out for a hike are all perfect things. Listening to the birds sing, watching the trees dance and sway, and knowing that you are as much a part of nature as the trees and the birds. There are crystals that are excellent to carry for grounding (black tourmaline, smoky quartz, garnet to name a few) and there are crystals to avoid as they can be highly ungrounding (selenite and moldavite were always my worst offenders). You can do a grounding meditation - any meditation where you see and feel yourself 'connect' with the energy of the Earth. You can breathe - deeply, into the Hara (a major energy centre, located about 3-5cm below the navel), letting your tummy move in and out with it (rather than the lungs). You can focus yourself intently on tasks that you are doing in the moment - like washing each dish with care, watching every movement, being conscious of what your body is doing. You could call a friend just to have a chat, you could make yourself a healthy meal or snack and eat something grounding (proteins), you could tidy up and declutter your house slowly and mindfully. You can look at your feet and imagine the energy of the Earth coming up to meet them, flowing into them and holding you here. There are so many ways to be grounded.

The hardest part is awareness - becoming aware of when you are feeling ungrounded, so you can do something about it. Once you become aware, you can return yourself to a more grounded state in literally minutes with some of the techniques I've listed above. The trick is just knowing when you're feeling ungrounded, and having a favourite thing, a go-to thing, that helps you bring your energy back down. And if you're someone who tends to feel ungrounded regularly, then you must work, work and work some more on those lower chakras, to strengthen them and bring back some balance to your energetic system. At the end of the day, we are simply creatures of the Earth living in a time when we are so disconnected from her and from our natural rhythms. No wonder so many of us feel ungrounded.

Ahh, there is so much to say on this topic. More another time!


* These are typical things that someone may experience due to being ungrounded. In no way should you take this as any form of medical advice. If you're unwell, obviously see your doctor.

What's with God anyway?

I find the concept of 'God' a tricky one, personally, in the way it is represented, traditionally in religion I suppose but it is such a widespread and almost universally-known thing. A tricky one to describe, really.

My biggest point of difference with 'God' is in the dominance of a masculine energy. Essentially, God is the masculine, and Goddess is the feminine. And there is so very little reference to Goddess, from what I can see, whereas God is so commonly referred to - He, Him, God. Yes, the feminist within me (or is the the Goddess energy?) has a problem with that.

See, the way I understand it presently, in speaking to the highest level of being I don't speak to either God or Goddess (what I mean is, I may regularly speak to aspects of God or Goddess, I just don't see that as the highest level of being). I speak to Source, I hold Source as my highest level of being; of being in unity with Source and all that I AM. And what I AM, is simply an extension of Source energy, taking shape in the physical realm here on planet Earth, at this time. To the best of my understanding, there are aspects of my 'self' that reach all the way to Source, and the one I experience in my physical life is but one of those. So even when I think of my 'Higher Self', I specifically refer to the highest aspects of myself in unity with Source, as I want to connect to the top level, you know? Not to the middle guy or girl, not to the one who's only a little bit above me, no; I want to speak to the top, thank you very much. Having said that, I envision a union of all those various aspects of self, all the way up to Source; hence I use the terminology that I do - all that I AM in unity.

Anyway, back to God. I suppose under my current model of understanding (which changes regularly, by the way), I would see 'God' as being somewhere 'up there', but not necessarily at the top, not really Source. From most of the references I see to 'God' about the place, I can only conclude that my 'Source' is the equivalent of what is commonly referred to as 'God'. The reason I see 'God' as somewhere lower down the spiritual food chain is that there have simply been too many 'Gods' - they are in different religions, in different aspects, with different focuses. And I liken it to Goddess - how many Goddess archetypes are portrayed? Many. Many many. As with the Gods. Think Egyptian gods, Pagan gods, more recent Christianity versions of God. I'm not going to name names - there are a lot of 'God' archetypes around, just as there are a lot of Goddess archetypes around, and they share characteristics in common and have some differences.

So, the thing I have the most difficulty reconciling when I see and hear references to 'God' (which is such a personal thing, as I absolutely believe that every person has their own belief systems which are entirely perfect for them) is that it shows a dominance of the masculine energy. When in (my) truth, God and Goddess are both aspects of the same energy. They are the balancing of each other. They cannot be separated, as they are one and the same. It is simply how we see, know and have been educated to see this energy, as a masculine energy. And obviously that has ramifications for the wider spectrum of life on earth, and the dominance of a particular energy over another. Equally there have been periods of dominance of the Goddess energy. But think - wouldn't it be nice to see an equalisation, a realisation that neither energy needs to dominate the other, but rather each brings different aspects of the one energy, and that they are intrinsically one and the same?

A pretty light brush-over for such a huge topic, I know, but so it goes sometimes. A lot around here, actually.

*******

Just some musings for a Wednesday night. I haven't done a Midweek Musing post in so long! But what are your thoughts? I would love to hear, and I openly state that to my mind there there is no right or wrong in the spiritual world, just different understandings that we all have and that are beneficial to us in our present moment, with none being greater or lesser than any other. And you know, I find this spiritual stuff the hardest things to write about, because it is so personal, but for some reason or other, I feel guided to do so. And it changes, my thoughts and beliefs, so I conclude there will never be a point where I say 'I know' the answer. I don't, I won't. I'm just walking the path and sharing what I find. And in sharing we grow, right?

Motherhood and The Spiritual Path

I saw a beautiful Tarot card image recently, an interesting, and beautiful, depiction of The Lovers that showed a woman clearly facing a decision between two paths - one being the spiritual path and the other being the mothering, family path. The card really stuck a cord with me, and it brought up for me something I have often pondered.

For me, the spiritual path has become the driving force in my life. Since that kundalini thing happened; I know this as I felt the shift. But that's what happens, it changes you from the inside out and I feel completely blessed that that has been my experience. I find myself now utterly devoted to resolving all issues of separation and becoming all that I AM in unity, in alignment with the highest aspects of my divine soul self. It sounds complicated but really, what it means in more everyday terms is that I intend to deal with all the the emotional baggage I am carrying, or have ever carried - be that in this lifetime or previous lifetimes, be that on this planet or in other forms of existence. It's a big job, because there's always something else to deal with, to resolve. This karmic connection or that. And then there is the aspect of moving through everyday life, without developing further emotional issues to be resolved. Of moving through everyday life being in the flow, being in the moment and finding acceptance. Of watching myself, to see where the sore spots are, what gets me annoyed and irritable, what sparks my temper, and encouraging and allowing myself to release control and let things just be (ahh, control issues!). To let life wash over me and not have to 'do' anything; to just 'be'.

I have often caught myself thinking how wonderful it would be to just focus entirely on my spiritual practice - the aspects of meditation, prayer, healing, channeling. Of being guided and in close contact with higher dimensions. All of these things I do, but I can only give it my full attention in my evenings, a few hours a day at most. So I wonder, what would it be like to devote my entire days to this practice? Imagine how quickly I would evolve! Imagine how much 'stuff' I could deal with! Imaging the blissfully deep meditations I could stay in, and stay in, and stay in, and stay in... And then at some point my imaginings are broken by a toddler needing a mama to kiss it better, or read a book, or the mountain of washing that seems to never diminish (seriously, there's only two of us, why so much washing?), or the dishes in the kitchen that need attention, or wondering what are we going to eat this week, or remembering to feed the cats, and the dog, and the neighbourhood rabbit. And take the bins out. You know, the simple, routine tasks of everyday life, and particularly the life of being a mother (or father, for that matter) at home with a young child, where so much of the focus, of necessity and given graciously, is on another.

But every time I find myself wondering about the devoted spiritual path, I look at my own life, and I realise I wouldn't change it. Because to me, the challenge is in bringing the spiritual aspects to my everyday life, to make it the deeply spiritual existence I crave. At the moments when I'm tired and grumpy, when my toddler is tired and grumpy, and worst - when we're both tired and grumpy. When I feel the pull of all the things I'd love to be doing - going for a run, or a ride, or to that yoga class - all the things I would love to do for me, but which are just not an option most of the time.Those times are a minefield of opportunity for spiritual practice. Truly, it is so easy to connect to the higher aspects of myself in meditation. It's there, it's me, it is who I AM. It is in finding, in feeling, that connection when my life shows me all my points of disconnect that I truly make the greatest spiritual progress. When the dinner hour is falling to pieces and I ask 'how can I bring more love to this situation?'. When I look around my home and feel weighed down by seemingly endless jobs to be done. When my child is wide awake at a time when I desperately want him to be asleep, and my own inner child fixates on the unfairness of it all. And I choose to accept it, to open up to it and to offer no resistance to it, and do it all with gratitude and kindness. At least, I try to...

And it's all a work in progress, this life, as I am presented with opportunity after opportunity to bring about a merging of my spiritual path and my everyday life of raising a small child. Motherhood is the most demanding role I have ever had, and it shows me day in and day out where my spiritual work is at.

So perhaps it is time to move away from polarity, from the either/or choices of spiritual devotion or motherhood, and allow for the possibility that a truly, deeply spiritual life can be lived in the everyday; in the messy, beautiful, demanding and ultimately amazing and rewarding experience that is motherhood. That is my path.

And besides, you can't send them back, can you. Kidding...

*******

It's been a while since I posted on the blog. I have really considered the future of this blog many times, and during my time away decided that I absolutely, positively would not write here any more. And then I was very strongly guided that I would indeed write here again. And it has taken a good while to figure out just what this blog will be about now. Well, that's not entirely true. I know that in essence, this blog is about my spiritual path. I just have no idea how that will be expressed. I simply do not know. So if you're interested on joining me for this journey, I would love to have you stay. I am completely aware that the changes in my writing, in what I write about, in how I write, will not resonate with some, and will resonate more strongly with others. So it goes, right? It's good to be back.

A Winter Break

Back a few months ago now, I decided that we were going to take a winter break. Be that at home or going away somewhere, it really didn't matter. I just knew that winter time, this year at least, is time to have a break. 

And I didn't think too much more about it. Well, that's not entirely true, as I did map out a trip for us to take. I still don't know if we will go away or stay home, and still believe it doesn't really matter that much either way. What matters is the break. 

So I am taking a break from blogging and it seems I've already been on that break for a few weeks now. Sometimes things just happen that way, you know.

In reality, I have had no break yet. Let's just say that sometimes life just hands you a great big pile of shit to deal with. Excuse my language but there really is no other word to describe the situation. My little dude and I moved house at very short notice, my usual support network (mum) disappeared from the scene and I had absolutely no idea how I was going to pull off our move. A most amazing friend stepped forward, having been there and done that, and quite literally made it happen for us. So I'm feeling completely humbled and grateful, and I know that one day when I get a chance to help someone out like that, I most certainly will. But right now I'm trying to sort out a new home and cull even more of our belongings. 

And in between all that, I try to stay as immersed as I can in my spiritual practice. My spiritual practice, strengthening my connection to energy, to source, has become such a driving force in my life. Since that kundalini thing I suppose. But the deeper I go, the deeper still I want to go. And I've learned amazing ways of doing so. Right now, I'm going back through my major past hurts - things like relationship breakups, dodgy teenage boyfriends, marriage failure - just those light sort of things... But attached to all those things is emotion, and where there is emotion there is energy. And I want my energy back. I want my energy to be flowing free so I can create the life I want now, without ties to any past events. It's a time consuming process! I write everything down, all those old hurts and things, in a special little book and I sit with them all, one by one, and feel them fully and let the energy be released, let the emotion go. It is incredibly effective. 

So for July at least, that is where I will be. Taking a break from most of my normal "stuff" and doing some big, big inner work. Be that in our new home or on the road. I would love to say I'm taking a break from Instagram but I know I'd be lying (I'm so addicted but I can justify it as being shop related!) so you can always find me there (@the.little.crystal). And otherwise, I'll see you in August. Have a beautiful month!

Positive Vibes

I decided to delete my last blog post. Thanks so much to all those who left comments, I appreciate the support I received in this space. To be honest, the whole thing left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth, so now, it is gone.

The thing is, see, for someone to come at me with such negativity, such criticism, only tells me that on some level, that is in me. You know how everything is energy? Everything is energy. So, whatever we're seeing in the world, whatever is coming to us, is simply a reflection of how we are on the inside. You know, since like attracts like and all that. So somewhere within me, I was carrying around perhaps a bunch of negativity, and it came right back at me.

At the end of the day, I'm just looking at the bigger picture of it all now. I don't want to carry negativity within me, and I'm working a hefty load on the energetics of making sure that I'm not. There's lots of ways to protect yourself from negativity, but the best way, in my opinion, is simply to be on such a different energetic wavelength that it's just not something that can reach you.

So how the heck do you do that? Well, you meditate. You look deeply at situations that arise that are negative in your life, and you meditate. You sit with it, and don't try to change it one little bit. And all the feelings that come up in your body, you just let them be, without trying to change them. This is how you clear it from your system. Then, you meditate further, or do other energetic work if you know how. Me, I use reiki mostly, reiki and meditation. What you want to do, is raise your own energetic vibration, above the reach of negative energy. Mantras are good, prayer is good, asking for help from the Universe is good. Being flooded with positive universal energy, to clear out the system and raise your vibration.

Are you still with me?

In all honesty, I have been questioning for myself whether to continue writing in this blog space, but for different reasons. I am feeling a real pull to be writing more about the spiritual path, the energetics of life, about healing. That sort of thing. And I absolutely believe that the true spiritual path is lived in the day to day moments, more so than in meditation. I mean, in meditation it's easy to reach a higher space, be in touch with your higher self. And granted, the more you do that, the better access you have to it in day to day life. But the tests come when you are in the thick of your life - when you've had a shitty morning, when your patience is being tried, when you're tired and grumpy. And when you have a choice to accept lower energies, or change the situation for yourself, and raise your vibration.

That was a long winded way of saying I'm not sure whether to keep writing here about more spiritual stuff or create a new space for that. I'm still sitting with that one. Mercury is still reversing. Perhaps I'll have a clearer direction forward soon. For now, I'm off to sink into my practice.

Revisited: The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

I first started reading this book in late 2008/early 2009. It was a few years after I started practicing Tibetan Buddhist meditation techniques. I really don't know why I was drawn to it, or to any of the other spiritual teachings I'm drawn to for that matter. But this one, it has been sitting with me for a while.

This book written in four parts - the first being Living and and the second being Dying. Back when I started reading it, it definitely resonated, but it was probably a little beyond my true comprehension at the time. And it highlighted to me a deeply held fear of death, in that I was never able to read the second part of the book. I could read the part called 'Living' but I couldn't face reading the part called 'Dying', or anything beyond that.

So it sat on the bookshelf for a long time. I knew that one day I would pick it up again. And now it seems that's where I am.

While I did understand my readings of the first part of this book years ago, to read it now, after experiencing this and this and this, my understanding is deep. It resonates like no other, and it tells me what I need to know. Because at 35 years of age, I have come to accept that death is a reality, it is natural, it is in everything. It is in us humans, it is in animals, it is in the birds and the fishes and the trees. Without death, there can be no life.

And so I've come to see that it is actually a pretty important thing, death. And it is something deserving of my attention now, because with the knowledge of death, I can live my life more fully. And if this is a fear that I can truly let go of, then really - what else is there to fear? And where there is an absence of fear, love can flourish and a life can truly be lived.

So this is where I'm spending my evenings at the moment, back where I was 7 years ago. Another cycle, this one feels like a big one.

Awake.

I really did not know whether to write this story here. I wanted to write it, I always write about the big things. And always here. But this was different. Anyway in the end I decided that I would just write it, and put it here. It's just easier that way.

This is the story of my spontaneous kundalini awakening, which happened in early January 2015. When I realised what was going on, I googled to find other people's experiences, just for reassurance more than anything, and to help understand what was happening. There really weren't that many accounts, and I don't know why that is. But I hope that in writing my story, it may be useful and reassuring to someone else, some day.

*  *  *  *  *  

I guess I have done a lot of spiritual work over the years. Before I even knew what spiritual work was really, it was just stuff that I was drawn to. I was always drawn to the Tibetan stuff - it started with a  Buddhist meditation retreat, ongoing practice of Tibetan Buddhist meditation teachings, a trip in 2010 to do a 3 week mountain bike ride from Lhasa to Kathmandu. An almost-obsession with Tibetan quartz crystals. Tibetan Buddhist artwork, singing bowls, my Tibetan Turquoise mala I bought at a market in Lhasa. There is a lot of Tibetan spiritual stuff going on. It just resonates, I guess.

So it was a complete surprise for me, to experience a kundalini awakening. Because that was not my path. I knew it was something of the Hindu faith, I knew it was something to do with yoga. And that's about all I knew. I knew it existed, and I knew people followed certain practices to attain it, and since I was not doing those things, it had never entered my head as a possibility that it would be something I would experience. I didn't make a connection about any counterpart to a kundalini in Tibetan Buddhism. To be completely honest, it is not something I would ever have pursued. I just don't pursue those things. Psychic abilities, spiritual awakenings, opening third eyes, all that stuff. I did not pursue anything, I just followed my own path, and I was happy doing that.

The big catalyst for my awakening was a miscarriage; the loss of my second child at 12 weeks pregnant, in what were to me distressing circumstances. That marked the change, the energetic shift. That was in early December 2014. (I wrote about it here.) The first few weeks afterwards saw me resting, I was rebuilding physically and coming to terms with it emotionally. By around Christmas time I was up and about a bit more, and by late December I was feeling in a happier place.

I was healing. See, that experience made me face my biggest fear, which was, I suppose, a fear of dying. As I thought I might die, and I didn't want to. But I had to let go of control, I had no control over my body in that time. I couldn't change it, it was going to happen as it was going to happen. So I had to accept that. And in doing that, I found myself in a strange place. I won't go into all that as I've written a little about it before (here and here) but the point is, I was healing. Not just the current hurts, but the old ones, the ones buried within, that I was carrying around with me. I was experiencing them all come up, one by one, to be faced and dealt with. It really was an intense time of growth spiritually, and of letting go, and even of seeing just what my fears were. Some of them I had no idea were in there. Some I did.

I suppose that process culminated in the actual awakening experience. It was a Friday night. I had been feeling strange the past two evenings, experiencing panic attack kind of things, and panicking that I might be dying. It was that fear, I suppose. So I started feeling strange again on that Friday evening. I was in the shed when it just - happened. Spontaneously, although looking at the lead-up to it, it was not spontaneous at all. It just felt spontaneous as I had no idea I was on the path for that.

So what actually happened. Well, I felt weird in my body. Off, somehow. It's hard to describe. I felt my body unwind from the spine up, chink chink chink chink chink all the way up. I had experienced a few similar things but the other times had been going from the head down, through the neck, shoulders, arms and body. Anway, next thing I know there is a flash of five spinning spheres of energy, I saw it in front of me. All different colours. I felt the flash in my body. And then it felt like I was tripping. Which I barely even know what feels like. Colours were so vibrant, everything I looked at just looked incredible to my eyes. I was in a daze really, part of me quite freaked out and the other part enjoying the experience. It was amazing, when I wasn't experiencing my freak out state, my experience was truly blissful. I wandered around to see Harmony and Flo, spend some time with them, doing something grounding. Giving me something to focus on, to breath with. Walking around on a cloud, in a cloud.

That was the initial 'explosion' I guess you could say. After that I spent the next few hours inside, between the kitchen and the couch. The energy kept coming over me in waves. They would last for a few minutes, then subside and drift away and I was left in the blissful place. Then I would feel it building again, and definitely with apprehension each time, but having absolutely no choice but to sit through it, move through it, just be present and know that it would pass.

At this stage I had no idea what was going on. At times, I was still terrified I was going to die; I had no idea what this experience was. I had no reference point for it. Why was my body doing this? My heart beat felt wildly fast, but I couldn't focus my attention enough to take my pulse. I was cold and shivering, on a warm summer night. I felt like I was hovering 3 inches outside my body, and couldn't control it. That was disturbing. During each wave I was holding to a large black tourmaline crystal and a flat riverstone, and a keeping a big garnet close by. That riverstone was amazing, it was just grounding, pure and simple. Earthing and grounding. And then I felt 'Om' resonate through my being. That was the point at which I knew (mostly) that something spiritual was going on. I knew Om was supposed to be the primal sound, and when I felt it rise up through me, I was pretty blown away. It came from somewhere down in grounding chakra territory. Maybe the hara, maybe the root chakra. I'm not sure.

Eventually I felt like it had passed enough to have a shower and go to bed. And that's when I started googling (yes, in bed). And that's when I knew with certainty what had happened. A Kundalini awakening. And apparently, it was only the start. To say I was apprehensive about what might come next would be an understatement. Because who knows? You just don't know. All I know is, when Kundalini rises, there is nothing you can do. You cannot control that energy. It is spirit pure and simple. And out of it, my hair changed, it started parting on the other side. I started to smell incense all the time, when most of the time there was none burning. I was feeling a new buzz in my body, but I had no idea what it was all about. I was wondering what it all meant.

So on that night when that happened, I only saw 5 chakras. I knew instantly what they were when I saw them, and yet at that point, only a few months ago, I couldn't even tell you what colour was associated with each chakra. I just hadn't really given much attention to chakra-based stuff in my spiritual path, as I said, it was more Tibetan teachings that I was drawn to. Thirteen days later, the last two chakras spun and popped, is probably the only way I can describe it. I was watering the tomatoes at the time. I experienced a brilliant explosion of light in my head, and an experience of seeing, knowing, feeling that we are one. That every single one of us is connected, in everything we do. Everything is connected. We are one.

We are one.

And now it's April, and life looks pretty different. Kundalini makes things change. You have to change,  there is just no other way. The energy is too intense, you can't ignore it. You can't bury it, turn away from it. You have to go through it and change. Let go of things, situations, people. Be drawn to new things, situations, people. It is just how it is. It's like life version 2.0. Before I was asleep, to everything. Now I am awake.