Awake.

I really did not know whether to write this story here. I wanted to write it, I always write about the big things. And always here. But this was different. Anyway in the end I decided that I would just write it, and put it here. It's just easier that way.

This is the story of my spontaneous kundalini awakening, which happened in early January 2015. When I realised what was going on, I googled to find other people's experiences, just for reassurance more than anything, and to help understand what was happening. There really weren't that many accounts, and I don't know why that is. But I hope that in writing my story, it may be useful and reassuring to someone else, some day.

*  *  *  *  *  

I guess I have done a lot of spiritual work over the years. Before I even knew what spiritual work was really, it was just stuff that I was drawn to. I was always drawn to the Tibetan stuff - it started with a  Buddhist meditation retreat, ongoing practice of Tibetan Buddhist meditation teachings, a trip in 2010 to do a 3 week mountain bike ride from Lhasa to Kathmandu. An almost-obsession with Tibetan quartz crystals. Tibetan Buddhist artwork, singing bowls, my Tibetan Turquoise mala I bought at a market in Lhasa. There is a lot of Tibetan spiritual stuff going on. It just resonates, I guess.

So it was a complete surprise for me, to experience a kundalini awakening. Because that was not my path. I knew it was something of the Hindu faith, I knew it was something to do with yoga. And that's about all I knew. I knew it existed, and I knew people followed certain practices to attain it, and since I was not doing those things, it had never entered my head as a possibility that it would be something I would experience. I didn't make a connection about any counterpart to a kundalini in Tibetan Buddhism. To be completely honest, it is not something I would ever have pursued. I just don't pursue those things. Psychic abilities, spiritual awakenings, opening third eyes, all that stuff. I did not pursue anything, I just followed my own path, and I was happy doing that.

The big catalyst for my awakening was a miscarriage; the loss of my second child at 12 weeks pregnant, in what were to me distressing circumstances. That marked the change, the energetic shift. That was in early December 2014. (I wrote about it here.) The first few weeks afterwards saw me resting, I was rebuilding physically and coming to terms with it emotionally. By around Christmas time I was up and about a bit more, and by late December I was feeling in a happier place.

I was healing. See, that experience made me face my biggest fear, which was, I suppose, a fear of dying. As I thought I might die, and I didn't want to. But I had to let go of control, I had no control over my body in that time. I couldn't change it, it was going to happen as it was going to happen. So I had to accept that. And in doing that, I found myself in a strange place. I won't go into all that as I've written a little about it before (here and here) but the point is, I was healing. Not just the current hurts, but the old ones, the ones buried within, that I was carrying around with me. I was experiencing them all come up, one by one, to be faced and dealt with. It really was an intense time of growth spiritually, and of letting go, and even of seeing just what my fears were. Some of them I had no idea were in there. Some I did.

I suppose that process culminated in the actual awakening experience. It was a Friday night. I had been feeling strange the past two evenings, experiencing panic attack kind of things, and panicking that I might be dying. It was that fear, I suppose. So I started feeling strange again on that Friday evening. I was in the shed when it just - happened. Spontaneously, although looking at the lead-up to it, it was not spontaneous at all. It just felt spontaneous as I had no idea I was on the path for that.

So what actually happened. Well, I felt weird in my body. Off, somehow. It's hard to describe. I felt my body unwind from the spine up, chink chink chink chink chink all the way up. I had experienced a few similar things but the other times had been going from the head down, through the neck, shoulders, arms and body. Anway, next thing I know there is a flash of five spinning spheres of energy, I saw it in front of me. All different colours. I felt the flash in my body. And then it felt like I was tripping. Which I barely even know what feels like. Colours were so vibrant, everything I looked at just looked incredible to my eyes. I was in a daze really, part of me quite freaked out and the other part enjoying the experience. It was amazing, when I wasn't experiencing my freak out state, my experience was truly blissful. I wandered around to see Harmony and Flo, spend some time with them, doing something grounding. Giving me something to focus on, to breath with. Walking around on a cloud, in a cloud.

That was the initial 'explosion' I guess you could say. After that I spent the next few hours inside, between the kitchen and the couch. The energy kept coming over me in waves. They would last for a few minutes, then subside and drift away and I was left in the blissful place. Then I would feel it building again, and definitely with apprehension each time, but having absolutely no choice but to sit through it, move through it, just be present and know that it would pass.

At this stage I had no idea what was going on. At times, I was still terrified I was going to die; I had no idea what this experience was. I had no reference point for it. Why was my body doing this? My heart beat felt wildly fast, but I couldn't focus my attention enough to take my pulse. I was cold and shivering, on a warm summer night. I felt like I was hovering 3 inches outside my body, and couldn't control it. That was disturbing. During each wave I was holding to a large black tourmaline crystal and a flat riverstone, and a keeping a big garnet close by. That riverstone was amazing, it was just grounding, pure and simple. Earthing and grounding. And then I felt 'Om' resonate through my being. That was the point at which I knew (mostly) that something spiritual was going on. I knew Om was supposed to be the primal sound, and when I felt it rise up through me, I was pretty blown away. It came from somewhere down in grounding chakra territory. Maybe the hara, maybe the root chakra. I'm not sure.

Eventually I felt like it had passed enough to have a shower and go to bed. And that's when I started googling (yes, in bed). And that's when I knew with certainty what had happened. A Kundalini awakening. And apparently, it was only the start. To say I was apprehensive about what might come next would be an understatement. Because who knows? You just don't know. All I know is, when Kundalini rises, there is nothing you can do. You cannot control that energy. It is spirit pure and simple. And out of it, my hair changed, it started parting on the other side. I started to smell incense all the time, when most of the time there was none burning. I was feeling a new buzz in my body, but I had no idea what it was all about. I was wondering what it all meant.

So on that night when that happened, I only saw 5 chakras. I knew instantly what they were when I saw them, and yet at that point, only a few months ago, I couldn't even tell you what colour was associated with each chakra. I just hadn't really given much attention to chakra-based stuff in my spiritual path, as I said, it was more Tibetan teachings that I was drawn to. Thirteen days later, the last two chakras spun and popped, is probably the only way I can describe it. I was watering the tomatoes at the time. I experienced a brilliant explosion of light in my head, and an experience of seeing, knowing, feeling that we are one. That every single one of us is connected, in everything we do. Everything is connected. We are one.

We are one.

And now it's April, and life looks pretty different. Kundalini makes things change. You have to change,  there is just no other way. The energy is too intense, you can't ignore it. You can't bury it, turn away from it. You have to go through it and change. Let go of things, situations, people. Be drawn to new things, situations, people. It is just how it is. It's like life version 2.0. Before I was asleep, to everything. Now I am awake.